Monday, May 23, 2011

"Never Was And Never Will Be"

Title of post taken from the song Everybody's Fool by Evanescence

My days are all wrong and so is the way I present myself to the world. I fake every smile and every "I'm okay."  Everything you see has been carefully planned to give the illusion that I am doing better than I am. You don't see the tears, anger and pain as I attempt to sleep each night. You don't see the sobs I swallow when I'm overwhelmed, or when I realize I have no one to share that with. You don't see my heart breaking as I watch other dads play with their kids at the park. 

I've never been a very open person, and that was one thing that always bugged Mike about me. How ironic that he's gone and I'm putting all my feelings and emotions out there for everyone to read. That's okay because there are things that only Mike knew about me, and for that reason I will never share them with anyone else. I feel like that's one of the last threads holding me to him. 

I'm struggling. It's as simple as that. I'm not looking for sympathy, just stating the facts. I turn down invitations to hang out with friends, because it's to hard to be around people, even if they are friends. I drift through my days looking for the quiet moments when I can let down my guard and be engulfed by my misery. Believe me I know I have things to live for, because I'm reminded every moment that I'm taking care of our children. It doesn't make it any easier.

This sounds stupid. I think I should end this post before my inability to express exactly how I'm feeling makes me even angrier than I already am. I'll try for a happier post in a few days, I do have happy things to post about.


Beverly said...

Melanie.....I think you're expressing yourself just fine in your blog & your words hit home to alot of people. I was glad to see you & the kids at Walmart & I wanted so bad to hug you .....I could see the pain in your eyes. But I didn't & now I wish I had.
I worry about you so much ....especially your lack of sleep. My prayer is for you to get the rest you need. Just know you are loved by so many.

Katie (Kate, to Mike) said...

Melanie, I love you guys so much and want to take the pain away but I am feeling them too...It will never go away for me..He is and was and will ALWAYS be my big brother..your children are a constant reminder to me of him.. please keep posting your blogs..I feel like I understand him more..

Angela said...

Nothing you said sounded stupid, it all made perfect sense. I am wiping my tears while reading your post. I think about you and the kids often.

Melanie said...

Angela - Thanks for the support. I feel so confused that most of the time I don't know what I'm feeling or how to act.