Friday, May 13, 2011

Time, where did you go?

 One Month = 4 Weeks and 2 Days
4 Weeks and 2 Days = 30 Days
30 Days = 720 Hours
720 Hours = 43,200 Minutes
43,200 Minutes = 2,592,000 Seconds
2,592,000 = 25,920,000 Deciseconds  
25,920,000 Deciseconds = 2,592,000,000 Milliseconds
2,592,000,000 Milliseconds = 2.592 x 10^15 Picoseconds

We can put parameters around time, and make it into anything we want it to be. We can measure it and form it into something that logically makes sense. However, this last month has not made sense to me. How is it possible that a whole month has gone by. I can't account for the hundreds of hours, thousands of minutes, and millions of seconds that have gone by since Mike's passing. I know that a lot of this time has been spent simply walking through the motions of day to day life, but I honestly can not remember a lot of it. I find myself late at night looking at the clock only to realize I've been sitting and staring at nothing in particular for an hour. There is only one hour that is so clear to me I could probably account for just about every second, but like I've already mentioned I'm not sharing those particular details. That hour is for me, and me alone, to relive and agonize over. From that one hour on, the details are fuzzy, like I've been watching someone else live this alternate reality for me.

Now there have been a few exceptions. I seem to remember quite vividly all the things that have happened in which Mike should have been here for. He should have been here for the JoCo concert. He should have been here for Tyler's talent show. He should have been here for Mason's music program. He should be here with us all the time, and not just in spirit. I remember the feelings of emptiness when those moments come along.

I'm well aware of the fact that one month will quickly turn into two, then four, and six, and before I know it a year will have gone by. People say that time heals, but I don't believe it. I'm going to miss him just as much one year from now as I do right now. I will miss him even more as our children meet milestones that he will not be here to witness. Every would be father/son outing or father/daughter date will be as agonizing then as it is now. Time will not heal, it will simply be a constant reminder that he is no longer here with us.

"Time, where did you go?
Why did you leave me here alone?
 Wait, don’t go so fast
I’m missing the moments as they pass."

Time by Chantal Kreviazuk


Jill said...

You once said that Mike has a way with words and you do not. I will agree with the first part, Mike does have a way with words. Mel, my dear, you have a way with words too. Beautifully said.

Melanie said...

He was much better with words, but thank you. I've enjoyed sharing. Thanks for reading.

lyndsey said...

Beautiful and heart breaking. I know you'll probably never miss him less, but I pray that it somehow gets easier.

Melanie said...

Thanks Lyndsey. It still seems so unreal.