Thursday, May 19, 2011

"Why Am I Seething With This Animosity?"

 Title of post taken from the song Terrible Lie by NIN

I'm angry today. There is no way to sugarcoat it or wrap it up in a cute little box with a pretty little bow, I'm simply angry. I'm not sure who I'm angry with or where to direct it, but I am.

I'm angry that Mike is gone. I'm angry that I'm alone. I'm angry that he promised me he would always be by my side and now he's not. I'm angry that all those talks of growing old together and all the things we were going to do, were really just lies. I'm angry that, just as things were falling into place for us, he is gone. I am angry that my kids will not have their dad here to show and teach them all the things that I can not. I'm angry that when they ask me a question I can't say go ask your dad. I'm angry that I have to comfort my 4 year old when he looks up at me and says "Daddy broke my heart." What can I possibly say to that when my heart is broken too. I'm angry that Sebastian feels like he can't cry because he thinks he needs to be the man of the house. I'm angry that Tyler has to ask me over and over again why her dad had to die, and I want to scream that I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!

I hate when the realizations of things that will never happen again hit me, and I hate it even more when they hit the kids. I can see it when it happens, and it's almost as if someone has smacked them in the face. It happened when Sebastian realized that I may not be at every soccer game this fall, because I'm only one person, and Tyler and Mason are involved in things as well. It happened when Tyler realized that riding rides at amusement parks would be difficult because I can't ride with them and stay back with Mason. It happened when Mason said, but dad always read that book to me. It happened when the kids asked who would shovel the driveway when it snowed, or who would fix things when they broke. It happens all the time and it makes me angry that they have to go through this.

I'm angry that I can't seem to take off my wedding rings because I'm not sure how NOT to wear them. I'm angry that while I can't take them off they are a constant reminder that he's gone. I'm angry that I have to put the kids to bed by myself. Good cop, bad cop doesn't work so well with only one parent and I'm angry that he's not here to play one of those roles. I'm angry that I don't sleep more than two hours each night and as a result I don't dream about him, or anything for that matter. I'm angry that family prayer no longer feels like family prayer, because there is a huge void where Mike SHOULD be. I'm angry that I'm angry!

Please don't tell me that it will be okay, and that everything will work out. Don't tell me that it's all part of a bigger plan and that everything happens for a reason. Don't tell me he's in a better place. I can logically recognize all of those things, but RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. I don't believe he's in a better place, because what could be better than him being with his family. WE need him!

18 comments:

Darrell said...

There is absolutely nothing of value that I can say. I wish there was. You have every right and reason to feel angry. Keep writing. Melanie, is it OK if I send you a book? A Grief Observed by CS Lewis is a really amazing book. If nothing else, it will let you know that you're not alone in what you're feeling. I wouldn't recommend it as some sort of "everything will be OK" load of crap, it's more than that. I think it's actually useful.

Katie Carpetner said...

I am angry that he is gone too, Melanie...We still have each other...love you..

Carolyn said...

I love you. I am so so so so sorry. Just let yourself feel it. Angry is real.

Allison said...

Thank you for your honest, raw words. It is okay to be angry, though often people try to keep it all in. Let it out, keep it moving. You're in my thoughts today.

Equipoise said...

Your blog is beautiful. I admire you for the courage it takes to try to put enormous, breathtakingly paingful emotions, and fond memories into words. It's ok to be angry! Just feel what you feel and take things a day at a time. Pause for the moments of joy that you do have. Blogging, you will find, can create a very loving, safe community of people to lean on. I hope you find that here and in your own community.

Mandaly B. said...

Sis, I know we have no magic words or actions to make you feel better right now... I know we all, in our hearts, would do anything to make you feel better, or to help you, but I know that just simply won't be enough... Your emotions are real and honest, there is no right or wrong way for you to manage these emotions, and if that includes anger, then so be it. I'm proud of you for not supressing those feelings and that you are being honest with yourself. Time heals nothing. It is what you do in that time to work through, and acknowledge your feelings, thoughts, and emotions that will help you to heal. Love you more than you know!

Mel said...

Darrell - I am up for anything insightful. I can't sleep so I've been reading a lot. Thanks for being willing to share. I need all the help I can get.

Katie, Carolyn and Allison - I love you all. My head is always full and I can't seem to think straight. It helps that I can vent, and your support and love means a lot.

Equipoise - Thank you. It is funny that even though I'm putting it all out there for whoever to read, I do feel safe in what I write here. That in and of itself is a comfort.

Mandaly - I so love you, and appreciate your support while I manage the ups and the downs.

Linda said...

I wish that my mother in law could be here to talk with you. She was widowed in her 30's ,left with 4 boys to raise, the oldest almost 12. She was a teacher with only a license and no degree (things were different then) she was forced into an aides position when a degreed teacher asked for her job! Anyway she went thru a very hard period when he passed, not able to see for awhile the blessings of what was her life. I don't know what pulled her out of it but she did come out of it. She managed with help of others to raise 4 boys into men. They were involoved wiht sports and scouts, 2 making eagle.When I became part of her family..(will continue)

Linda said...

As part of her family I noticed not a day went by that he, the dad the husband, wasn't mentioned in some way. Strangers looking in would have thought he was just on a trip not deceased.This constant talking of him is what has kept him alive for his sons.And it continues even today, although my mother inlaw is gone now, the grandchildren hear the conversations of their grandad they never met. They know more about him than the one they met.

Anonymous said...

I hope I'm not posting too much but I thought it would help to tell you these things.The main point I think is that the family maintained a relationship with him even though the physical seperation was there. The son that I married has had spiritual experiences with him and even some of the grandchildren as well. I would love to tell you of them sometime.

Jill said...

Melanie, I have no eloquent words for you. I have no magic grief eraser. I wish I did. All I can say is that you are my dearest friend and I love you. I will listen. You can scream at me, cry on my shoulder, or express your feelings anyway you want. Mandaly is right, time doesn't heal, the things you do in that time will help you. Things will never be the same for you and I am so sorry for that. I going to stop writing now because I am beginning to ramble. I do love you Melanie, you have always been a friend that I can be myself around without fear of what you'll think of me. I will always be that friend to you!

Mel said...

Linda thank you for sharing and I would love to hear more. It's hard when I feel like no one else understands. Thank you.

Jill - Thank you for listening and being a good friend.

Darrell said...

Hey, I'm gonna get that book to you one way or the other soon. I hope you find it rewarding.

Mel said...

Thanks Darrell.

0ca2b6c2-8598-11e0-a5f3-000bcdcb471e said...

mel...i've been reading and reading your blog. your words are so real and emotions so out there. in one post you said you aren't an open person, and you're right, however, this is YOUR perfect outlet. be angry. scream. yell. all those things you said are real life, everyday things that are happening to you. i believe it wouldn't get easier, i think in that you are so right. i feel for you four like you will never know. if i could change a single second, i would in a heartbeat. i love you sweetie, and i am here. for any or all of you. ((hugs)) Susan

Niven said...

I know I am a day late on this but when I finished reading this, I had tears in my eyes and all I could think was Amen, sister. Also, I just wanted to share that, I get angry because I am angry too sometimes.

Mel said...

Thanks Niven. I just can't seem to shake this anger. Then I'm angry for being angry. Awful cycle. I hope you are doing well!

kirkdeb98 said...

Girl, you didn't say one thing i didn't say. Of all your posts, i relate the most to this one. Every thought you had, i had. Every emotion you spoke of, I felt. When the rug is pulled out from under you, and you did nothing to deserve it, it feels so rotten and unfair. I remember Billy telling me (we were in our 20's) he couldn't wait to grow old with me...the best was yet to be. He would say all these things he wanted for us....and I was 29 and buried him. I UNDERSTAND how you feel. Right now, you have every right to feel that way. In this time it is blessing that you can blog to release your feelings<3 Thanks for sharing.