I'm angry today. There is no way to sugarcoat it or wrap it up in a cute little box with a pretty little bow, I'm simply angry. I'm not sure who I'm angry with or where to direct it, but I am.
I'm angry that Mike is gone. I'm angry that I'm alone. I'm angry that he promised me he would always be by my side and now he's not. I'm angry that all those talks of growing old together and all the things we were going to do, were really just lies. I'm angry that, just as things were falling into place for us, he is gone. I am angry that my kids will not have their dad here to show and teach them all the things that I can not. I'm angry that when they ask me a question I can't say go ask your dad. I'm angry that I have to comfort my 4 year old when he looks up at me and says "Daddy broke my heart." What can I possibly say to that when my heart is broken too. I'm angry that Sebastian feels like he can't cry because he thinks he needs to be the man of the house. I'm angry that Tyler has to ask me over and over again why her dad had to die, and I want to scream that I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!
I hate when the realizations of things that will never happen again hit me, and I hate it even more when they hit the kids. I can see it when it happens, and it's almost as if someone has smacked them in the face. It happened when Sebastian realized that I may not be at every soccer game this fall, because I'm only one person, and Tyler and Mason are involved in things as well. It happened when Tyler realized that riding rides at amusement parks would be difficult because I can't ride with them and stay back with Mason. It happened when Mason said, but dad always read that book to me. It happened when the kids asked who would shovel the driveway when it snowed, or who would fix things when they broke. It happens all the time and it makes me angry that they have to go through this.
I'm angry that I can't seem to take off my wedding rings because I'm not sure how NOT to wear them. I'm angry that while I can't take them off they are a constant reminder that he's gone. I'm angry that I have to put the kids to bed by myself. Good cop, bad cop doesn't work so well with only one parent and I'm angry that he's not here to play one of those roles. I'm angry that I don't sleep more than two hours each night and as a result I don't dream about him, or anything for that matter. I'm angry that family prayer no longer feels like family prayer, because there is a huge void where Mike SHOULD be. I'm angry that I'm angry!
Please don't tell me that it will be okay, and that everything will work out. Don't tell me that it's all part of a bigger plan and that everything happens for a reason. Don't tell me he's in a better place. I can logically recognize all of those things, but RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. I don't believe he's in a better place, because what could be better than him being with his family. WE need him!