I've written and rewritten several posts over the last week, but every time I come back to them, and think I might post them, my mood has changed and I no longer want to share those thoughts. So, this might be a hodgepodge of thoughts, and if it's hard to follow I apologize.
I can't imagine any holiday or celebration ever feeling right again, but I anticipate the firsts will be horrific. We are coming up on several over the next few months that I know are going to be extremely difficult. For example, Mason's birthday (June 21), my birthday (July 14), our anniversary (August 9), the start of a new school year, and so on and so on. I think my best option will be to take the kids and head out of town on these days. I know if I stay at home and allow myself to dwell on things I will go plum crazy.
On another note, I've never been good at waiting for things to happen. I want them to happen right this minute. So, waiting for the official autopsy report and death certificate is driving me absolutely crazy. I can't take care of things, that need to be done, until I have that.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of headstone I want for Mike's grave. I bought a burial plot next to his, I'm freaking 31 who does this at my age, and I want a double headstone. Actually, I think they are called companion monuments...I hate that I even know this crap!
I've been sent flyers and catalogs from companies selling monuments, not a mailing list I ever thought I'd be on, and it's ruining my love for mail. I refuse to buy a monument from a company that solicits me as a customer. I mean do they just go through the obituaries and then mail their crap out? No thank you.
I just wish that I knew Mike was okay. I wish I knew that he knew how much I loved him. I can polish that thought, turn it, twist it, throw it in the air and watch it slip through my fingers, but the truth of the matter is I can't be one hundred percent sure he knew that. The only way I could be totally sure would be to ask him, and that's not going to happen. So, I have to settle with doing all these little things, that really don't add up to anything in the end.