Title of this post was taken from the song Sleep When I'm Dead by The Cure.
I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. Is it hotter than normal up here, or is it just me? No, it's hotter than normal. I can't breathe. Holy crap I can't breathe. Just walk away Mel, just turn around and walk away. My inside voice calls me a weenie, and tells me to suck it up, but I can't. Seriously, I can't breathe, and here come the tears. I'm walking back downstairs. This was such an epic fail!
There have only been two nights that I've been able to sleep upstairs in our bed. The main reason I don't sleep up there is because I feel this need to be as close to the kids as possible, and their bedrooms are downstairs. This means I've slept on the couch just about every night for three and a half months. There are other small reasons I don't sleep up there. One of them being that it's hot. We have a small window air conditioner, but Mike was always the one to turn it on. I haven't been able to force myself to turn that little nob. He did it for 12 years, and I can't seem to do it. I decided this week that I needed to make an effort to sleep in my room, in my bed. I've been talking it up, and telling myself I could do it, and tonight I tried. I walked up the stairs, I stood next to the bed, and I stared at it and the air conditioner. It felt like forever, but I couldn't have been up there for more than five minutes. Like I said earlier, it was an epic fail. I just couldn't do it.
I'm such a loser! Why can't I do this?! I'm a smart, educated woman but I can't turn a stupid knob, or make myself feel better about this? I guess I'll just curl up on the couch and feel sorry for myself. I just needed to vent. Looking back over this it sounds childish and stupid. I don't care how it sounds though. It's one more piece of this puzzle I'm trying to figure out. It's a really good thing I don't drink.