Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Seems Like I Should Be Getting Somewhere. Somehow I'm Neither Here Nor There

Title of this post was taken from the song Runaway Train by Soul Asylum.

     At times I am indecisive and impulsive, shocking I know. How many times have I started a project, I really thought I wanted to do, and then I lose interest or decide I don't really like that project anymore and it all falls apart. I'm sure Mike is in heaven jumping up and down while waving his hand in the air, saying ask me how many times, ask me!
    So, I'm really having a hard time deciding what to put on Mike's headstone. I know I want dark granite and I want a companion monument, because regardless of what my future holds I know I want to be buried beside the father of my children. I also know that I want a Star Wars quote, and I think I'm going to use the one from his funeral program “Soon will I rest, yes, forever sleep. Earned it I have. Twilight is upon me, soon night must fall.” Are there copyright laws with this? I mean if I put this SW quote on his headstone, and then don't put where it came from is George Lucas going to come after me? Maybe he wouldn't come after me, but I guess I should think about these things. 
       Okay, so here are the things I'm not sure about. It's been suggested that I go ahead and put my name on the stone. Wow, I think it's going to be hard for me to see my name on a tombstone. I just don't know. I've then thought about having a picture of us put between our names. That too is a little creepy. I mean we are talking about a picture of me on a tombstone while I'm still alive. Maybe it's not a big deal, but right now it feels like a big deal to me. I've also thought about having a piece of Mike's art work etched on there some where, but then what do I put. There actually is a piece of his work that comes to mind, but I only have a photo of it, and it's not a very good one. Mike drew it on something at work and then messaged it to me. Here is what I have.

Our initials were interchangeable. I used my middle name rather than my maiden name, so Melanie Jean and Joseph Michael. I have a friend who could maybe reproduce this for me and then I could have it etched in. Hmmm....I may have to seriously consider this. There was also a sample stone that had a piano keyboard with music notes on the front. That would be kind of cool being that we both loved music. I also can't stop wondering what happens if in three or four months I look at the stone and think What the heck was I thinking?! If anyone reading this has any ideas, comments or suggestions feel free to comment. I'm open to ideas and especially for those who knew Mike I'd love to know what you think.
     I just have so many mixed emotions. I mean what is the rush right? Why does this have to be done right this minute. Well, I need it to be done. I hate, and I mean hate the fact that there is not a marker for his grave. I can't explain why it bothers me so much, I just know it does. Maybe this is one more way for me to convince myself that he is gone. Maybe this is another way for me to honor him. Maybe this is me being a little crazy and obsessing over something that I shouldn't be. I feel like one of those circus acts where the clown is spinning plates and someone keeps throwing more at him, and in order to keep from breaking them he has to keep them spinning. That's what I feel like. I feel like it's all barely staying together and that at any moment I'm going to drop a plate and it will all come crashing down. No matter what I am determined to have this figured out by this time next week. I need to get this done.
    On another note we are leaving for Myrtle Beach tomorrow and will be back on Monday. I haven't been to Myrtle since I was a little girl, and we took a family vacation there. It will be fun, and I may or may not post while down there. 


Kate said...

Hey Sis...have a good time and I love you all!!!!

lisa bursey said...

i think your ideas are awesome. i think a pic of you guys would be nice as it shows the love you guys share. and to have his artwork engraved would forever show how very talented he was. im sure you will make the best decisions. take your time, and have fun on your vacation!!!

Darrell said...

Hey, just my two cents ... I don't think you'd need to worry about copyright laws, I think they only go after people who've stolen copyrighted material or people who are trying to make a profit with copyrighted material. I think just quoting something is totally legal in just about any context. And I really hope you don't mind me saying, but this is the one thing that popped into my head about the idea of your name being on the stone, too. That might be hard for the kids. It'll be hard enough seeing their dad's name on the tombstone, seeing both of you on there might actually make them feel kind of panicky. But, then again, it might not. It's just a possibility that passed through my mind. It might not hurt to ask them how they'd feel about that, though, if you think that's a good idea.

Angela said...

I know it's hard for me to see my mom's name beside my dad's on his headstone, as an adult, so Darrell does have a point. But it's a very personal decision for you. I think I told you before (so forgive me for repeating myself), but my mom had my dad's artwork etched on his stone. As far as hating the fact that his grave is not marked, I have some personal feelings/understandings about that too that I may share with you on a private msg. Have a great time at the beach! We just got back from there!

Unknown said...

I love the idea of an etching of his artwork. I hope you enjoy Myrtle Beach. It is one of my most favorite places on earth and I haven't been there in over 6 years. Please tell it hello for me. Take care. You are doing an awesome job of keeping those plates spinning.

Melanie said...

Lisa - Thank you. The more I think about it the more I want to have his work on there.

Darrell - In my selfish state of mind I didn't even think about what the kids would think! Thanks for the suggestion. I talked to them while we were away and they said they wouldn't mind, but I could tell they were a little uneasy by the whole thing. I need to involve them more in the planning of this so that they feel like they have a say. Thank you!

Angela - Thanks you. Actually you telling me about your dads work being on there really started me thinking about all of this :)

Katrina - It is a beautiful beach and we had such a good time!