Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I Don’t Know If I’ll Make It But Watch How Good I’ll Fake It

Title of this post was taken from the song Tonight Tonight by Hot Chelle Rae. I must add that I really only like this one line from this song, and the rest of it in no way relates to this post.    

     I have two favorite seasons, fall and winter. In the fall I love how the changing colors of the leaves make the world around me look like I'm living in a rainbow.  I like sitting on my front porch on a cool crisp morning and watching the sunrise. Of course fall also means that school is back in session. I go back to work August 15 and the kids go back to school August 24. I always look forward to getting back into a routine, and seeing my students again. The kids aren't ready for all of this, but it will work out. Sebastian is worried about middle school, Tyler will be in fourth grade, and Mason will be in Kindergarten. Fall also brings soccer season. I love soccer. Until this year only Sebastian played, but this year all three of them decided to sign up. This will make things a little crazier for me, but we will handle it. I love watching the practices and the early morning Saturday games. I love when it's cold enough to wear a hoodie, bundle up in my chair while sipping hot chocolate, and cheer on my loves. Sebastian actually has his first practice this week and the other two will start later. Like everything else it will be bitter sweet this year. Mike loved kicking the soccer ball around with Sebastian and he absolutely loved taking him to practices. I worry about what I'll miss out on, because I can't be on three fields at once. I'm just going to keep telling myself it will work out.
     I also love winter. Mike would make fun of me for this because I hate being cold. Once I get cold it takes awhile for me to thaw out. He would joke and tell me I was cold hearted and had ice running through my veins, sometimes I feel like it. Even though I hate being cold, I love what winter brings. It brings the holidays which means more family time. It brings days so cold that we stay inside and enjoy each others company. We turn off the video games and play board games. I absolutely love snow. Every year I hope for 12 feet of it. It makes me smile just to think about it, and yes I understand that snow means someone has to shovel it. I like to shovel snow so that's not a big deal. I just love winter.
     I know that it won't be easy. All the firsts are hard. I anticipate many tears on the soccer field as I feel sorry for myself and get angry over having to do this alone. I know that I will have the support of my family, but it's not the same as having Mike here. In all of this I also have some plans for myself. I'm trying to eat healthier and live a healthier lifestyle. This has become very important for me, because if something ever happened to me what would happen to my kids. I still have a lot of projects to finish around the house so that we will be ready to move in the spring. I take pride in the small things I'm learning to do. I took the screen out of Tyler's window and took it to be fixed last week. Big deal right, but it was a big deal to me. I'm learning to use different tools and to fix things around the house. While I would gladly give all of that back to have Mike here, it makes me feel better knowing I can do these things. I am learning. Mike would be proud of his not so handy wife, and knowing that keeps me going.


ethompson said...

I think the firsts are the worst. Luckily, they are only firsts once. My grandmother had an "assigned" seat at the dining room table and it was difficult the first time she wasn't there to sit in it. I think that every first you conquer makes you a little bit stronger and a little bit more able to face life. It gives you confidence that you WILL make it.

Beverly said...

I'm so proud of you ! That's all I can say , right now. Hope to see you soon !

JCales said...

Your are an amzing and strong woman!! Lucas and I continue to pray for your family each night!!

Before we get to your name Lucas interrupts....
"don't forget to pray for the Dawson Family"

and in the middle of the prayer I reply...
"I won't"

HUGS for you as well!!!


Jill said...

Melanie, all of your accomplishments, as small as you think they are, are a big deal. You are an amazing person. I hope to sit beside you wrapped in a blanket, sipping hot chocolate, and watching our loves play.