Sunday, August 28, 2011

Should I Give Up, Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavements

    The title of this post was taken from the song Chasing Pavements by Adele

      I don't know how to be a single parent. I don't know how to do this. The learning curve for parenting is steep, but I honestly thought I was doing a pretty good job...until now. All three kids are in soccer, and despite the fact I bought an awesome little day planner, I can't seem to organize all the stuff I have to do. Tyler was supposed to have practice on Tuesday, Sebastian on Wednesday, and Mason and Sebastian on Thursday. I lost the email telling me what times, and so Tyler missed her first practice, because I thought it was supposed to be on Thursday. On Wednesday I came home from work happy, but exhausted. I sat on the couch for two minutes and my eyes started to close. Sebastian says "Mom, you can't sleep I have practice." I forced myself to get up and wash dishes to stay awake. I take him to practice, but I can't stay and watch. I really have to mow the lawn. It had been at least a week and a half since it had been mowed, and it needed done. So, I drop him off, and feel like a horrible parent for leaving him, but what choice do I have? I come back and mow the lawn. I make it back to the field just in time to pick him up. Everyone gets a shower and then goes to bed. I get three hours of sleep. Thursday, up and off to work. I come home and for some reason I've convinced myself that both soccer practices start at six. We get there, and I realize I was totally wrong. Mason's practice started at 5:30. I rush to figure out what field he is supposed to be on, and then I sit to watch him. I miss all of Sebastian's practice, and Tyler plays on the playground unsupervised. Mason falls asleep in the car on the way home. All of the kids get showers, and then we all go to bed. I actually fell asleep by 9, but I was awake by 12:30 am, and stayed awake the rest of the night. Friday, turns out not to be so busy. Work, school, home, and housecleaning gets accomplished. Saturday was just as crazy. Sebastian had a soccer game the next county south of us, and we drove an hour to get there. He had to be there at 9:30. Then we drove 45 minutes to make it to horseback riding. This was Mason's first session, and he had an awesome time.  We grabbed a quick bite to eat, and then drove an hour back home. Today I took the kids to church, and then we drove up to see my father-in-law. He reminded me that the tires on my car are almost bald, and I really needed to have new ones put on. I'm simply trying to figure out how to fit that into my schedule. We had a really good time, and then stopped by the cemetery. Mason ran through the nearby field and picked flowers for Mike. As he ran to his grave he looks at me and yells "Mom, do you think daddy will like these?" What five year old should be picking flowers for their dad's grave. 
     I'm not whining about my kids or how busy they keep me.  I'm not whining about responsibility.  I'm not whining because I want pity or help. I'm too busy being angry with myself for not being able to do it all. I'm not asking for anything...except maybe my old life back. I want my old life back.


Beverly said...

i love you , Melanie ! Your post breaks my heart......but stop & think ....their are most likely alot of moms who are trying to do it all , even with husbands who are still living. Mike was a one in a million kind of guy & he was there for his family. I know many poor moms who struggle to do it all. Sure hope you know it is NO disrespect you !!!!!! I feel your pain & hate that you have this to deal with now. PERSONALLY I THINK YOU ARE DOING A FANTASTIC JOB !!!!!!! And the most important thing........your kids KNOW you are doing tghe BEST you can ! That's what counts!

Melanie said...

Thanks Beverly. Just feeling really sorry for myself lately.

Unknown said...

Even with the most helpful husband, I want you to think back and try to remember if you were ever able to "do it all". I do remember feeling this way. Even just having a warm body in the house is easier than single parenthood. But no matter my circumstances I have never felt like I was able to do it all. Something that helped me was setting reminders in my phone for meetings and appointments and activities. I would set it early in the day so I would remember and then another just before. As far as everything else, just do what you can, make sure your kids help as much as you want them do, and leave the rest for another day. I KNOW how hard that is. But one thing I did learn was that one person CANNOT do it all. Ever. You just do the best you can. That is always enough. Take care and as always, be kind to yourself.