Thursday, August 18, 2011

When Did I Lose My Sense Of Purpose? Can I Regain What's Lost Inside?

The title of this post was taken from the song No Roads Left by Linkin Park     
     I had a meeting at another school today. As I walked out of the building it started to rain. I stopped and watched as the droplets hit the concrete. The rain splattered as it fell. A drop here, then another, now four, eight and twelve, I can't keep track. The walkway slowly turns a darker shade as the drops run together to make a uniform color. The concrete can only hold so much. Concrete is porous, and it absorbs some of the water, but then the water starts to puddle. The puddle starts small, but as it rains a little more it grows. Lately I feel like the concrete, hard/angry and full of holes. I feel empty and porous even though on the outside it may look like I'm strong. The rain drops seem to be all the things I need to do, each drop is something else on my to do list. I absorb the first few, and am able to handle it, but as more and more tasks rain down on me they simply pile up, leaving me to feel like I'm drowning in a puddle.

Nothing I write today seems to make any sense or sound right. However, I did read a blog post by Tim Claremont, and it seemed to sum up how I've been feeling lately. So, I hope he doesn't mind if I quote it here. Really, I am in no way trying to claim this as my own. You should check out his blog by clicking on his name.

"You and your spouse are cruising down the highway. Looking at the sights of life. For some of us it is a short trip, and for others it is a lengthy ride. For some it is a bumpy road, and for others it is smooth. For some it is full of curves at a leisurely pace and for others it is fast and furious.

At some point, right there in the middle of the road, your car comes to a complete stop. Traffic keeps whizzing by, but your car is suddenly, indescribably motionless in an instant… and your co-pilot is gone.

Cars go whizzing by. Some other drivers wave. Some give you the finger as you hold up traffic. And only very, very rarely does someone stop to help you out. Unfortunately those people speak a foreign language.

As if in an episode from the twilight zone, your car starts moving backward. Other drivers get really frustrated with you. Some want you to get off the road as soon as possible. You are helplessly moving against the flow of traffic. Your car is in reverse, and you are completely alone. You are surrounded by people. Some of them you have known forever. You see them. They see you. But you remain isolated somehow.

Eventually, you move backward past an exit ramp, and your car comes to a stop. You sit there with your four way flashers on. You are on the shoulder of the road, so people are not so frustrated with you. They can pass by unencumbered. You get the occasional wave, but no more middle fingers. You are calm now and feel out of danger.

Then, it occurs to you. That exit you passed is now in front of you. You can put your car in gear, and take the exit, or you can put it in reverse and go against the flow of traffic again. Or… you can sit on the shoulder of the road.

No, that exit was not part of your original plan. It was not your planned destination. But you won’t know where it takes you unless you put the car in gear and take a chance.

Remember. You are the driver now."

What a great post. I feel like I'm going backwards through the traffic. Nothing makes sense and I don't know where to stop or how to get back on track. I don't sleep, and if my mind would let me I would collapse in a heap. I'm tired of complaining, and doing all this alone. I'm just so tired.


Darrell said...

I'll never know what that feels like. I think I have a little better understanding of it now, though. God.

Melanie said...

Thanks for the support. I just feel amazingly overwhelmed. Friends help so thank you.

Beverly said...

It is 10:52 a.m on Friday , & I just now got a chance to read your latest post. As always it touched my heart but it also helped me today. Thank you for being you, Melanie. You ARE going to be ok.
Baby steps , all the way. And I'll try to follow my own advice.

Mandaly said...

I am always here to hold your hand through those "tired" moments... I'm very proud of you! We are getting through this, I know there are better times ahead....This will not last forever... I love you babe!

Jill said...

I will be your umbrella and I don't speak any foreign languages.

Melanie said...

Beverly - Thank you. Been thinking about you too.

Mandaly - What in the world would I do without you. I love you so much!

Jill - Thank you!