Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I Can't Move The Mountains For You

   The title of this post was taken from the song Timshel by Mumford and Sons. Seriously if you've never heard them you should check them out. Their all I've listened to for the past week or so.

    We had a special education family night for our district on Monday. I won't go into all of the details, but it's a project that our I'm Determined team believes so strongly in. I was made the chairperson of Family Night, and I took it on gladly because it was so important to me. That was last fall. After Mike passed, the team picked up my slack and really carried me through the rest of the planning, and made it all happen. As we wrapped it up on Monday night, I walked out of the building with two wonderful friends and coworkers, I heart you Lee Ann and Susan. We parted ways to go to our vehicles. As I walked away I turned to watch them. They were going home to their husbands. They had someone to share their night with. I slowly walked on, the tears came and I surrendered to them. I ran the rest of the way to my car, threw open the door and sobbed. Heaving waves of grief overcame me. I know that I have my family, friends and co-workers, but it's just not the same. It's not the same as being able to share with Mike. It's not the same as hearing him say he's proud of me or that he knew I'd do well. It's not the same as having him wrap his arms around me and tell me that I'm amazing. I forced myself to dry my tears before I reached home. I didn't need to upset my mom or the kids. 
      As I sit and write this I'm once again overwhelmed. I feel like in the span of a few days I've taken twelve steps backwards. I feel like I'm right back where I was in the days right after he passed. How do I ever move forward with my life? I just want someone to tell me it will be okay. I'm so tired of doing this alone. I'm so tired of watching the clock hit midnight only to realize that I'm still alone. There is no fairy god mother coming to grant my wishes. Happiness is not a tear drop away. No one is coming to turn my pumpkin into a chariot, and me into a princess. No happy ending. No happily ever after. Instead I am left to pick up the pieces of this broken life. The problem is that someone stole some of the pieces so the puzzle of my life will never look the same. I know this doesn't mean my new life can't be beautiful. It's just that right now the pieces are so jagged and sharp, I'm hurting myself as I pick them up. People keep telling me that I'm young, and I'll make it. I just feel old. It's completely irrational, but I often think that because my love wasn't enough to keep Mike here with me, I'll never deserve to be loved again.


ethompson said...

You are loved. Let the love surround you, lift you up, and help you heal. It will get you through, no matter how long it takes.

Mandaly said...

Somehow, some way, someday, you will begin creating a new path of happiness. We are here just a brief moment in time, and better days await you, this i am positively sure of! This will not last forever, it would be awful to think it would. It's so comforting to me when I think about this in that context. I'm sorry this is all so painful, I love you more than anything! Always here for you, to infinity and beyond! :)

Jill said...

D&C 121: 7-10
7 My son,peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

10 Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.

Melanie, I love you dearly

Susan said...

I love you sweetheart. I can't say anything more than that your sister said it best. xoxo

Unknown said...

I understand how you feel, to a point, so I'm not going to tell you not to feel that way. I will tell you that I don't even know you and I think you are a beautiful, brave, amazing person who is a little to hard on herself. You loved Mike with your whole heart, that is evident. Nothing YOU did took him from you or from this world. You deserve to be loved just as much if not more than anybody else. It WILL be ok...maybe not for quite a while...but it will. Life is beautiful, even in the worst moments. Take care, and my love to you and your family. As always, be kind to yourself. And don't be so ashamed/afraid of the tears, it's your body's way of relieving the pain, the stress. Let them come when they come and don't feel like tears make you weaker, or take a step back. Think of each tear as you releasing some of your grief. If you don't, it will just be locked inside you forever. K, I'll stop now.