The title of this post was taken from the song Timshel by Mumford and Sons. Seriously if you've never heard them you should check them out. Their all I've listened to for the past week or so.
We had a special education family night for our district on Monday. I won't go into all of the details, but it's a project that our I'm Determined team believes so strongly in. I was made the chairperson of Family Night, and I took it on gladly because it was so important to me. That was last fall. After Mike passed, the team picked up my slack and really carried me through the rest of the planning, and made it all happen. As we wrapped it up on Monday night, I walked out of the building with two wonderful friends and coworkers, I heart you Lee Ann and Susan. We parted ways to go to our vehicles. As I walked away I turned to watch them. They were going home to their husbands. They had someone to share their night with. I slowly walked on, the tears came and I surrendered to them. I ran the rest of the way to my car, threw open the door and sobbed. Heaving waves of grief overcame me. I know that I have my family, friends and co-workers, but it's just not the same. It's not the same as being able to share with Mike. It's not the same as hearing him say he's proud of me or that he knew I'd do well. It's not the same as having him wrap his arms around me and tell me that I'm amazing. I forced myself to dry my tears before I reached home. I didn't need to upset my mom or the kids.
As I sit and write this I'm once again overwhelmed. I feel like in the span of a few days I've taken twelve steps backwards. I feel like I'm right back where I was in the days right after he passed. How do I ever move forward with my life? I just want someone to tell me it will be okay. I'm so tired of doing this alone. I'm so tired of watching the clock hit midnight only to realize that I'm still alone. There is no fairy god mother coming to grant my wishes. Happiness is not a tear drop away. No one is coming to turn my pumpkin into a chariot, and me into a princess. No happy ending. No happily ever after. Instead I am left to pick up the pieces of this broken life. The problem is that someone stole some of the pieces so the puzzle of my life will never look the same. I know this doesn't mean my new life can't be beautiful. It's just that right now the pieces are so jagged and sharp, I'm hurting myself as I pick them up. People keep telling me that I'm young, and I'll make it. I just feel old. It's completely irrational, but I often think that because my love wasn't enough to keep Mike here with me, I'll never deserve to be loved again.