Friday, October 14, 2011

Not My Time To Wonder Why. Everything's Gone White, And Everything's Grey, Now Your Here, Now Your Away

    The title of this post was taken from the song Glycerine by Bush.

     Why? It's a fairly common question, we all ask it. All of my children went through a stage in their early years when every question they asked was why. Why is the sky blue? Why do we have to go there? Why is the stove hot? Why does it get dark so early? Why, Why, Why? Sometimes, the constant why questions annoyed me as a parent, and after the fiftieth question I would respond "It just is!"As an educator I understand that when a child knows why something happens, why they have to learn something, why something is important, then it is easier for them to handle the task at hand. None of us like to think we are being asked to do something for no reason, so we understand why something is important, then it has meaning, and there is less confrontation when we are asked to perform the task.
     This concept bleeds over into all parts of our lives. We may not like grocery shopping, but we understand why we have to do it, so we do. We may not like cleaning house, but we understand the importance of why we should, and so we do. The wonderful thing about learning is that even when we don't know the answer to a question, or if we don't know why something works the way it does, we have resources to help us find the answer. I don't know why the planets have the names they do, but with a quick search of the internet I could find out the answer. I don't know exactly why or how electricity works, but I could ask my dad and he could fill in my gaps of limited knowledge. I don't understand why we get sick, but Mandaly could explain bacteria, viruses, and other things, and I would have a better understanding of these things in a general nature. 
      There are some things in life that we don't know what the "why" is, and those things are often the most difficult to deal with. People are curious by nature, so when something comes along that does not have a clear answer, or something we can't define with a clear answer, it's often hard for us to deal with. Mike's death is one of these things. I struggle on a daily basis with the why. Why did he have to die? I don't talk much about religion on here, because this is a public blog, and while I'm not ashamed of my religion, it's not something I want to debate. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so I do believe that we can and will be a family for time and all eternity. I do believe that we will see him again. None of this answers my question of why he had to die, why I was left a widow at the age of 32, why my children will not have their father here to help raise them. I try not to dwell on this, I have to believe that my Heavenly Father has plan for us, and for whatever reason it was Mike's time to return back to him. I do get angry that I don't know what that plan for us is. What is my purpose now? My big picture is gone, and like Mike's blank canvases, I feel like I've been left to completely repaint my future. That's a really hard concept for me to envision, especially when I felt like I already had a pretty complete painting before. I also understand that I will drive myself completely nuts if I try to focus on the why. I may never, in this life, have an answer to that question, but it doesn't change the fact I want one. 

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I am impatient and want all the answers to everything now. Knowing I can't always have them, I take comfort in the belief that I will know the answers to all those questions. If not in this life, then the next. I thought you might be LDS. I am too. I am grateful to know what we know about the afterlife, eternal families, etc. It brings me a lot of comfort at the loss of my loved ones. Take care.