Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Don't Wake Me Cause I'm Dreaming, Of Angels On The Moon. Where Everyone You Know Never Leaves Too Soon.

    The title of this post was taken from the song Angels on the moon by Thriving Ivory.

      I haven't felt like writing lately. There are things I could say, things that might be important for me to say, but for whatever reason I haven't felt like writing. I thought maybe this meant that I was working through some of my grief. Really I just think I'm physically tired and just don't have the energy to sit and write. Sebastian is recovering from his accident and his last appointment showed that most of the blood had been reabsorbed into his brian, but it will take the skull fractures a few months to heal. I am finally breathing a small sigh of relief. While, I have noticed some little things, short attention span, irritability, and some memory issues, I know that overall he is okay. Now comes the fun part of dealing with all the medical bills and follow up appointments. 
     I went to see Deb's husband and daughters last week. I think I've been in denial about Deb being gone. There were times we would go a month or two without talking, and I almost feel like this is one of those times. Her husband gave me a few of her favorite pictures, and a tea pot she had brought back from Peru. All I could do was cry.
     Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I had anticipated, thanks to the many who helped make it easier. I don't really want to go into details. With a group of family and friends we laughed, played games, talked, ate, and yes in quite moments I cried. 
     We put up our Christmas tree this weekend. Mike and I always compromised when it came to this. He always wanted to put it up Christmas Eve, that's how he grew up, and I wanted to put it up right after Thanksgiving. So we always put it up the first weekend in December. To make things easier my family and a dear friend came over to help us decorate. As I pulled the boxes in from the shed, I felt myself getting overwhelmed. A few tears, hugs, and me repeating "You can do this." over and over again helped get me through. It was great to have everyone there, and we stayed so busy talking and remembering each of the decorations that I didn't really have time to feel sorry for myself. I did have a moment when I couldn't figure out what to do with the ornament from our first Christmas together. After awhile I decided I didn't want it on the tree, so instead I put it in a box of special things that were Mike's. I also let the kids buy ornaments that they could have to help remember their dad. 
     I am learning my new normal, I'm figuring out my role in this new life of mine. I still have moments. Shocking moments, when a memory hits me, and it feels so real. This happened yesterday at school. It was the end of the day, and I was walking down the hall. As I looked up I could have sworn that Mike was going to walk around the corner to pick up the kids. It was such a powerful moment, that it made me stop in my tracks. A far away memory appeared and I could see him walking around the corner, in his SW shirt, faded jeans, his hair a mess because he couldn't wear a hat in the school, after he'd just gotten off work. Those moments leave me feeling empty, but I'm learning to deal with it. 
    I have some good things going on in my life right now, I have hope that next year will be better, and the ending of this one is looking better than the beginning. There is hope mixed in with the grief. I'm learning and growing, and right now that's good enough for me. I tried to post some pictures we recently had taken, but they wouldn't load so if you want to check them out here is the link from my FB.


Beverly said...

Beautifully written !!!!! So proud of you & praying 2012 brings you abundant strength , energy , peace & happiness.

Unknown said...

You're doing amazing. I'm glad you have so much help and support around you. And so grateful to hear that your little man is doing better! Take care.