Thursday, December 8, 2011

I Won't Let You Fall Apart

The title of this post and the following lyrics are from the song The Fragile by Nine Inch Nails.

She shines
in a world full of ugliness
She matters
when everything is meaningless

She doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
it's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people
as they pass her by
Hoping someone will see
If I could fix myself I'd...
but it's too late for me

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
but they keep waiting
and picking
and picking
and picking...

It's something I have to do
[I won't let you fall apart]
I was there too
[I won't let you fall apart]
Before everything else
[I won't let you fall apart]
I was like you
[I won't let you fall apart]

Mike always played this song for me when he knew that I was sad, or wasn't feeling like I mattered to the world. He always promised that he would keep me together, he wouldn't let me fall apart. The truth of the matter is, that there are many times that I find myself falling apart. Whether it's from grief, being overwhelmed, or just not having a good day. There are many times that I feel like my existence doesn't really matter. I think we all have those moments. Those moments have hit me more over the last few days, than they normally do. I find myself questioning my self worth and wondering who is going to catch me when I fall. He's not here like he promised, and suddenly that leaves me feeling very alone. I think it all snowballs. One thing triggers another. Someone gave me a compliment at work today, and it's something I would have shared with Mike. I didn't know who to share it with without feeling like I was bragging or being self centered. I finally messaged Mandaly, but it wasn't the same. 
I found a quote the other day that made me stop and think, and I wanted to share it.

"God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. 

And yet we spend so much time and 

energy comparing ourselves to others—

usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives 

us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. 

As a result, we never celebrate our 

good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does."

 Dieter Uchtdorf

Maybe this is my problem. Maybe I compare myself to others, and it leaves me feeling fragile. Maybe if I just had a little more faith in myself I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe I need to celebrate my good efforts. Tomorrow is a new day.

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