The title of this post was taken from the song Where Are You Christmas by Faith Hill.
Moments, small fragments of time. Choices that we make at a particular moment often shape who we are. Decisions are made based upon prior choices. We make new memories, and have new moments where we make more choices. I don't really even know what I'm writing about. I have so many jumbled thoughts in my head. I'm dreading Christmas. I've finally resigned myself to the fact it's coming, and I have to do what I can for the kids.
I look back on where we were this time last year. I wonder how it's possible that Mike's been gone for over 8 months now. Where did the time go? Other days it seems like it's been a life time since I've heard his voice. I think about all the things that have happened since April, and all the moments he's missed... all the moments we missed with him. I'm finally to the point that I don't cry often in pubic, but I have quite moments when I'm just not sure I'll make it through. I watched Tyler perform in the Christmas program at school last night. There we were on the front row, Sebastian, Mason, and my mom and dad. She could look out at any moment and see our smiling faces, but I could feel the weight of not having him there. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched my beautiful angel sing. It's late at night, when the house is quiet that I feel the most alone. I feel the emptiness of the house. I let down my guard, and allow myself to feel the bottled up pain that I keep trapped inside. I'm feeling sorry for myself at this moment. I try to remember that I'm not alone in this and that there are other people going through difficult times.
My favorite Christmas movie is It's a Wonderful Life. Like the movie, in my moments of despair and grief, I wonder what my life is really worth. What am I doing to help improve the lives of those around me? Am I making a difference? Would it matter if I weren't here? It isn't about recognition or accolades, it's about being humble and having my priorities in order. Sometimes, I think that's why I torture myself by reliving those moments in April when my world came to a screeching halt. I want to make sure my priorities are what they need to be. I want to be humble. I want to know that my life has meaning.