Sunday, December 11, 2011

Trains Move Quickly To Their Journey's End. Destinations... Are Where We Begin Again.

     The title of this post was taken from the song Believe by Josh Groban from The Polar Express Soundtrack.

I think I've lost it. No, I don't mean my sanity, although some may disagree. I haven't lost my keys either. I've lost my eternal perspective. On December 14th it will have been 8 months since Mike passed away. Once again how is that possible? How is it possible that it's been that long since I've seen him? I feel like everyday since then has been dedicated to simply putting one foot in front of the other. Picture this...it's like I'm walking through the forest. My hands tightly clasp those of my children, it's a little scary and I don't know where I'm going. I just know I need to keep moving, so I'm always looking down to make sure that I get one foot in front of the other. I try to make sure my footing is secure so that I can move my children along this course with me. The problem with this is that I continually get smacked in the face with branches from the trees. Some of them I probably could have avoided, if I'd been looking up and not down. Some of them would have hit me no matter what, those branches were the death of my friend and our pet, then Sebastian's accident. However, some of the tiny scrapes, bumps and bruises could have been avoided if I had been looking at where I was going rather than down at my feet. There have been moments that I've looked up and been able to see the beautiful world around me, but I always end up looking back down, unsure of my footing. I've come to realize that I need to move forward with the end in mind. I need to know where I'm going so that I can lift my head up and move with sure footing. I need to do this not only for myself, but for my children. They need guidance, and I can't guide them if I'm always dealing with things in the moment. I can't guide them when I can't see beyond my own two feet. I think that I've done what I needed to do in order to survive the last eight months, I've just come to the conclusion that I need to do more than survive. I need to live. I need to chart a new plan, and then I need to figure out how to make it all happen. I need to live my life with an eternal perspective.

1 comment:

Katrina Jackson said...

I think you're spot on. I also think that surviving is always what people do for a while after something traumatic. And you've had more than your share of trauma this year. I hope you find your path and perspective. Take care!