Sunday, January 22, 2012

Do You Have The Time To Listen To Me Whine, About Nothing And Everything All At Once

The title of this post was taken from the song Basket Case by Green Day.

“I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.”  The Notebook

     I sat and watched this movie this morning. I shouldn't have, it just made me sad. Tomorrow is a big day, it would have been Mike's 36th birthday. He was born January 23, 1976 in Henrico, VA. He was the oldest of three children. His sister was born exactly two years after him, and he loved sharing a birthday with her. His brother is seven years younger than him. 
     I've tried to prepare myself for his birthday. I've talked about it with the kids, and I've gone over it in my head. I thought I was going to be prepared for it; I was so wrong. This last week has been a nightmare. As we've gotten closer and closer I just seem to get more and more depressed. I find myself crying at random times over random things. I haven't slept much, and it all caught up to me on Friday. I left work exhausted. I came home with a fever, and I was so tired I could hardly move. Tyler had volleyball practice, and I asked her if it would be horrible to miss. She thought for a minute, and with tears in her eyes said "I really want to go." She said it so softly I almost didn't hear her. I could tell she was struggling between what she wanted, and what I wanted. I told her it was okay I'd take her. I did end up calling my mom, and she was able to take her so that I could take a nap. I felt pretty lousy all day yesterday as well. I think I'm just so emotionally and physically exhausted that it all hit me at once. I'm better today.
     I'm going to work tomorrow. I had debated taking the day off, but I think in the end it will be good for me to be busy part of the day. I am going to take the kids to the cemetery in the afternoon. We always did a scavenger hunt for Mike's birthday. The kids and I would sit down and write up clever little clues that would lead him from one place to the next, eventually leading him to his gift. Mike absolutely loved it, and looked forward to it every year. He even saved the clues and I have a bunch of them put away in his things. It feels so lonely this year. No fretting over the perfect gift or worrying about how to keep it a surprise. This year it's just us and our memories. I think about all the things I would have done differently if I'd have known our time together would be so short. I would have been a better wife. I wouldn't have cared about the things that didn't matter. I would have...I guess it doesn't really matter. 
    This will be one more first that we've made it through. The next one is Valentine's Day. We never really cared for Valentine's Day, and so I didn't anticipate it being difficult. With the exception of last year we never really gave each other gifts on V-Day, sometimes we would go out to dinner or he'd send me flowers at work. I didn't expect to get teary eyed when I walked through the store and saw all the V-Day cards, and yet there I was standing in the aisle tears streaming down my face. Stupid commercial holidays! I think the one after that will be the anniversary of his passing. Ugh. I can't even start to think about that one.


Kate (Mike's Borthday Sister) said...

Melanie, it is gonna be a sad day for me as in the well, i am in NO mood to celerate mine..I wanna celebrate his..I am going to the cemetary tomorrow afternoon..I wanna get some flowers and maybe send a balloon up to him..I think I wanna find an orange one since it's his favorite color..This visit is my Birthday gift from John..this was the only thing I wanted..I love you guys SO much!

Unknown said...

I hope you make it through the day ok. I will be thinking of you. Take care.

Unknown said...

Melanie, I am so sorry I forgot to warn you about this. I called my dr. the week of Billy's anniversary date (that was my trial rather than his bday.) Dreams would leave my crying and breathless and I would wake up distressed and exhausted. I got an rx for something for my nerves for a month. I wouldn't allow myself to take anything the rest of the time. I thought "you've got to learn to deal with this, and if it means screaming and crying and being furious for awhile, then so be it. It was a very, very hard time for me. After the month passed, I stop taking the meds and things minutely began getting a little better. Don't beat yourself up over this. It really is normal. Get all your emotions out and face them. You are totally normal<3 The next difficult thing will be his anniversary date. Don't expect alot of yourself during that week. Keep it you and the's hard, honey. It just is. The children seem to be coming along fine, all things considered. I really enjoyed having dinner with ya'll. Next time you come down, dinner is on me;)