Wednesday, January 25, 2012

When You're Dreaming With A Broken Heart. The Waking Up Is The Hardest Part. You Roll Outta Bed And Down On Your Knees, And For The Moment You Can Hardly Breathe

The title of this post was taken from the song Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer.

For Mike's birthday the kids were pretty adamant all day that they did not want to visit the cemetery, and I had decided to do whatever they were comfortable with. I took them to dinner, and as we laughed over some of our memories, and Tyler ordered what Mike always did, the kids decided they wanted to go. We bought balloons, and all wrote messages on them. We drove up there and stood next to his grave and let them go. They all asked to do it again next year. I think they liked this little tribute with just us.

My mom started a journal for me when I was young here are a few words from the first entry she wrote.
"Melanie has beautiful blond hair with some natural wave to it. I love dressing her up and putting bows and ribbons in her hair. She's so pretty and adorable. She's quiet and shy, and she won't have anything to do with strangers. I think Melanie will have quite a sense of humor as she gets older. Sometimes she'll say really funny things. I notice that she'll be the one to get things going and Matthew will kind of stand back and laugh at her when she says something funny."

March 11, 1987 
 Melanie is in the second grade and doing really well. She's a good worker at times. She's still very protective of Mandaly. They play together well. We went out to eat the other night. Mandaly was climbing over the back seat to sit with Melanie. Melanie said, "Oh good! I get to sit with my precious sister." She was hugging her like she hadn't seen her in a year.

June 28, 1989 - Written by Me
"I love my family. They are so nice to me and I always want to be with them. I always want to live with them."

September 27, 1989 
"I have a mean teacher and don't like school!"

August 9, 1990 
"I try not to fight with my brothers and sister. I didn't fight with them much today, for me that's progress. I love my family very much. Sean my oldest cousin is going on a mission soon, I will miss him."

Feb. 5, 1991 
" I love my family a lot. Today was a bad day."

March 11, 1991 
"I found out my mom has a journal, but hasn't written in it since 1984. I'm going to get her to try to write in it more often. She's got a lot to catch up on!"

November 9, 1992 
"I need to ask mom for forgiveness for yelling at her this afternoon, I really am sorry. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

December 12, 1992
"IT SNOWED, IT SNOWED, IT SNOWED! We got about 4 inches of snow. It was cool. Jule' came over yesterday and stayed the night. Michael was baptized yesterday. Mom is kind of upset because she can't get us a lot for Christmas, because she doesn't have a lot of money, but I don't care, that's not why we have Christmas.

January 20, 1993
"My dad is not being fair. He won't let me do anything! I hate being 13,  you can't do anything!"

December 23, 1993
"I don't feel good. I feel alone, by myself. No one knows what I think. I have so many weaknesses. How can I teach people when I make so many mistakes myself. I know that no one is perfect, but I bet I'm further away from it than anyone else. People see only the outside of me, they don't know what I feel. There are so many things wrong with me. I am not normal."

January 28, 1994
"I fell alone. Lost in a world of hatred and fear. There are leaders and followers. There are weak and strong people, players and pawns. I feel there is no hope for the world I am forced to live in."

April 16, 1994
"Mandaly invited me to something at her school. I'm wearing green pants and a purple shirt. She doesn't like it. I now it doesn't match, but I like it. She won't let me go unless I change, I'm not changing."

May 15, 1994
"I'm going to write a letter to my future children so here goes.
Dear Kids,
I want you to know I'm trying very hard to prepare myself for you. I'm learning want I can now so I'll be able to teach you. I want only what's going to be best for you. I want you to be brought up in the church. So, I'll be sure my future husband will be willing to help me. I'm looking forward to the day I get to see you. I'm trying hard to be ready. I want you to be proud of me and your father. I won't be perfect, and I don't think I'll always do or say what I should. I love you and can't wait to see my darling children."

March 9, 1995
"As a family we have been having scripture study every morning. It's hard to get up some mornings, but I have learned a lot."

March 15, 1995
"My mom is so great. I'm really trying to be more organized like her. She knows exactly what to do with her time. I want to be more patient like my dad. He never seems to raise his voice. I love them both so much"

January 1, 1996
"I have been thinking of the future. I have no idea what I want to do with my future. I'm going to graduate from high school next year and then go to Dabney for a year of college."

July 23, 1996
"This guy Mike Dawson started hanging out down at Hardees with me. He's really cool, but then this guy Joe asked me out. "

August 9, 1996
"Mike asked me out. I said yes, and he gave me his class ring. He's really great."

This is as far as I care to go on my journal sharing at this moment. It gets a lot more involved and sentimental for me past this part. I also happened to find a bunch of letters that Mike and I would write back and forth to each other, almost on a daily basis. One day he left me one that said...
Before I go, I just wanna say THANK YOU for being so WONDERFUL! 
I Love You,

I'm done living in the past for tonight. I might at some point share some of my journal entries from our marriage. For now this is more than enough, and honestly it probably means nothing to anyone except me, and that's okay to.


Unknown said...

I think you're brave to share this. I'm glad you got to spend time together celebrating the live of the man who means so much to all of you. Take care.

Beverly said...

Reading this was wonderful ! Thank you for sharing ! Love you !

Anonymous said...

You are fierce! Thank you for sharing bits of you with us.

:) Karma