Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life

  The title of this post was taken from the song TIme Of Your Life by Green Day.

     No words. Just tears. Overwhelming grief in the dark quiet moments that surround me as my loves sleep. My body shakes as desperation washes over me, and I've lost my inner struggle to be strong. I am consumed with memories that I will never get back, memories that I will never make. All I ever wanted in life was to make him happy. He had the most beautiful smile, but he saved it for genuine moments of joy. I lived for those moments. He always told me he needed me in his life to be happy, but that I was charismatic enough that I could live without him. I wonder if now he sees my aching soul and knows he is wrong.
     I'm so tired. I'm so emotionally worn out. I'm so exhausted with the everyday that is my life. I'm inundated with things that I know I need to do, that good mothers would do, but I can't seem to get it together. I miss having Mike here to balance me out. I miss being able to divide and conquer the everyday routines. I'm giving in to the tears, I'll cry myself to sleep.

"Another turning point a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time it's something unpredictable but in the end there's right, I hope you had the time of your life."

1 comment:

Beverly said...

My heart hurts for you !!! Slow down .......it upsets me when you doubt your mothering! You can't ( & don't have to ) do it ALL , Melanie !!!!! You've come so far , these past months but there are always going to be times when you just crumble ( like it sounds like you did , last night ) BUT those times will pass & become fewer & farther between. You ARE going to be ok !! Everyone who knows you , loves you & is proud of you ! Hang in there !