Saturday, February 18, 2012

Miss Your Take On Anything, And The Music You Would Play

     The title of this post was taken from the song Torch by Alanis Morisettee.


    I saw someone I graduated with the other day. I hadn't seen them since graduation. Their first question was "What have you been up to since 1997?" Wow, what have I been up to since then. Not much...I was married for 14 years, had three children, earned two Masters degrees, and now I'm a widow.  That's my life in a nutshell. 
     We took Michael out to dinner for his birthday today. It was good to spend time with the family. In the end my mom took home Mason and Tyler for a sleepover, and Sebastian is staying with Mandaly. I am sitting at home alone. Sometimes when my days are busy I think I want peace and quiet, but the truth is I don't handle it very well. My house is quiet except for the heat when it comes on, and the music I am playing. I tried to sleep upstairs, but there are several problems with that. One, I've turned my bed into a big clothes rack. I don't sleep upstairs so a good portion of my clothes get laid out on the bed. The next problem is that I don't think I can sleep up there alone. I use the kids as an excuse to sleep on the couch, but I think really I'm trying not to deal with a big empty bed. I don't want to feel the weight of having no children in the house along with sleeping in a bed that fits two people better than one. So here I sit listening to my music. I have nothing poetic or interesting to write tonight. Just the ramblings of a woman who is way too tired. This sums it all up so here are the lyrics from the song Torch by Alanis Morisettee. 
   
 I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way
Miss your approach to life and your body in my bedMiss your take on anything and the music you would playMiss cracking up and wrestling our debriefs at end of day
These are things that I missThese are not times for the weak of heartThese are the days of raw despondenceAnd I never dreamed I would haveTo lay down my torch for you like this
I miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you writeMiss you walking through the front door, documentaries in your handMiss traveling, our traveling and your fun and charming friendsMiss our Big Sur getaways and to watch you love my dogs
These are things that I missThese are not times for the weak of heartThese are the days of raw despondenceAnd I never dreamed I would haveTo lay down my torch for you like this
One step, one prayer, I soldier onSimulating, moving on
I miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kidsAnd the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief
These are things that I missThese are not times for the weak of heartThese are the days of raw despondenceAnd I never dreamed I would haveTo lay down my torch for you like this
Mike did you catch that? Do you see how much I freaking miss you? Do you get that...of course you do. You see everything we are doing. Are you watching me fail?

5 comments:

ethompson said...

He can't watch you fail, because you are not. No one can ask for better than your best, and you are giving that. Just breathe...

Kate said...

Mel, you listen to me...YOU ARE NOT FAILING!!!!!!! Mike knows darn well you are doing the job of two parents and he knows everything we are doing...whether the good or the bad..He is up there smiling at us dammit....We all gotta beleive that....love you all...

Anonymous said...

I think failing would be lying down and refusing to move at all and you certainly aren't doing that, so whatever you're doing would be the opposite of failing.

Melanie Dawson said...

Thanks. I guess I just had a pity party for myself, and gave into it rather than being rational about things. I appreciate the support.

kirkdeb98 said...

No Mel, not a pity party....you just had the saddest thing that could happen to a human being happen to you. Your heart was broken in a million pieces, and you nor Mike had no choice. No time to say goodbye. No time to tell him just one more time how much you love him. When you look into the eyes of each of your children, you see the hurt in their heart. And you are helpless to take it away. Anyone that has walked this walk, understands. And no matter who is there, it is a walk you must walk alone. However, you my dear, are NOT failing. You are a loving, engaged mother to your children. I've seen the love you have for them. I know that you are trying to be everything to them, making up for Mike's absence. I know. I did it from the day Billy died to the day they each left home. Hold you chin up sweetie. It's ok if tears are dripping off the end of it....you are doing the very best that you can. And that is all anyone can do<3