Saturday, March 24, 2012

It's Nearly Been A Year Since He's Been Gone, But We Still Sing His Goodbye Songs

     The title of this post was taken from the song Can't Get It Right Today by Joe Purdy. 


     I like to watch Desperate Housewives, I admit it. It's always been my way of ending the weekend. This is the final season for the show, and while I am a little sad to see it go I'm not heartbroken over it. Two weeks ago Mike, the husband of one of the main characters Susan, was shot and killed. This past week the show was centered around the funeral. I watched almost fascinated. Parts of Susan's performance as a grieving wife felt fake and unnatural, but who am I to judge. It got me thinking about things, and with it almost being a year now I started to reflect on April 14th 2011, and the days that followed. 
     April 14th 2011 was not a normal day, and from about 11:00 that day on I had an uneasy feeling that something wasn't right. I'm not going into all the details, but by the time I was driving home from my meeting at 4:15 that afternoon I was sobbing. I knew from the fact I hadn't been able to reach Mike on his phone, that something was horribly wrong. I sobbed as I pulled into the drive way, opened the door, ran upstairs, and...it was a heart attack. I don't remember much from then on, and some things I don't want to share. I remember the police coming, I remember calling people. I remember my mom and sister showing up along with a lot of other people. I remember sitting on my front porch and being asked what funeral home I wanted to use. I remember my principal showing up and hugging me. I remember asking that the kids be brought to me so that I could let them know before they found out some other way. I remember sitting with them in the grass as I somehow managed to tell them their father had passed away. I will never forget the way Sebastian screamed. His scream will haunt me for the rest of my life. I will never forget Tyler's wide eyed stare as she tried to process what I was telling her. I will never forget the way Mason tried to wrap his head around what I was telling him and crying while taking cues from his siblings that something was terribly wrong even if he didn't yet understand it. I finally remember leaving the house. My mom drove me to my sisters as I left everyone at my house, the police, the funeral home, friends who had come, and I'm not sure who else. I remember texting Lee Ann and her calling me back. I do not remember anything else that night. The next day I remember going to the funeral home and making arrangements, then the cemetery, and then the flower shop. I remember writing a check for the burial plots as I stood next to where he was going to be buried, my dad gently tried to take care of it for me, but I had this overwhelming need to do it myself. Over the next few days I mostly remember sitting on Carl (Carl is a chair for anyone who doesn't already know it). There are very vague images of people sitting near me, and the kids coming to hug me, but I can't clearly place anything. I remember the family night/viewing in bits and pieces. I remember it being terribly hot in the funeral home. I remember the line of people that went out of the building. I remember hugging a lot of people, but I can't put together conversations or faces, and I don't even really remember what the kids were doing. I know that at some points they sat with the kids of friends and talked. I remember several people asking to put things in his coffin to honor his memory. Mandaly found someone with a bottle of water, because it was so hot. I don't remember much of the funeral. I remember Mandaly speaking, and then holding my hand so that I could make it through what I wanted to say. I remember Mason squirming in his seat and getting frustrated during the service. He fell asleep on one of the pews. I remember hugging people, but I don't remember the 20 minute ride to the cemetery. I don't remember anything about the graveside service. I remember hugging some friends afterward, and picking out flowers I wanted to keep. It's probably a little sad that I can't even account for what my children were doing most of the time during those initial days. I can only say that I am incredibly grateful for the many people who stepped in to fill a role that I clearly was not capable of. I remember people trying to make me eat, but I couldn't. I didn't eat for 6 or 7 days. I remember spending the first night back in the house alone while the kids stayed at Mandalys. I do remember spending an afternoon going through Mike's things with my family and putting aside things I knew I wanted to keep, and then getting rid of things that weren't important. The only reason I remember most things from the months that followed is because I blogged about it. Sometimes I go back and read those early posts, or heck most posts, and I don't remember half of what I wrote about much less actually writing it. I'm grateful for whatever inspired me to write. It helps me not feel so disconnected from this last year of my life. 
     In part of that Desperate Housewives episode, Susan is surrounded by her friends when she blurts out a serious of numbers. It's the voicemail password for her husband, and she starts naming off all the things she needs to do, like turn his phone off and figure out how to service her car, and worrying over who is going to teach her son how to play baseball. I related so well to this part of the episode. I remember having these random thoughts of things that I needed to do. I would just start to fall asleep and then I'd remember something else that needed to be dealt with and it would consume me for hours. It was a vicious cycle, and while it has slowed down as I've been able to complete most of the paperwork and things that needed done, I still have moments when something will hit me and I think "DANG! How has it taken me so long to remember that I needed to do that!"
One year...365 days
365 days = 52 weeks
52 weeks = 12 months
 One Month = 4 Weeks and 2 Days
4 Weeks and 2 Days = 30 Days
30 days = 720 Hours
720 Hours = 43,200 Minutes
43,200 Minutes = 2,592,000 Seconds

2,592,000 = 25,920,000 Deciseconds  
25,920,000 Deciseconds = 2,592,000,000 Milliseconds
2,592,000,000 Milliseconds = 2.592 x 10^15 Picoseconds

Once again how is this possible! I have come up with a way to make April 14th a little easier. See that is my friend Deb's birthday. She spent that entire week last year with my family. She cleaned, helped with food, helped with my kids, bathed Mason, and so much more. Even though she is no longer here with us, I will put my efforts into remembering her on her birthday. That sounds better than focusing on Mike's passing. I often wonder if he was there as she crossed from this life to the next. Was he one of the ones that was there to greet her? Did he hug her and thank her for all she did for his little family? Do they both watch over us now? I can almost see them taking bets on how long it will take me to screw something up :). I miss them both dearly. I don't know how much I'll post between now and the 14th. I feel the weight of it all so very clearly. 

Lyrics for the song Can't Seem To Get It Right Today


I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up

It's nearly been a year since he's been gone
But we still sing his goodbye songs
And she knows, she should move on
But she just can't let him go
No, she just can't let him go

I'm sorry if I made you wanna cry
I'm sorry if I made you wanna cry
You should know I never meant to hide
I just hate bringin' you down
Oh, I just hate bringin' you down

I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up

And I dropped my paintbrush in the dirt
I'm still numb by just how much I hurt
I cut my hand, wait for it to work
But I just couldn't bring him back
No, I just couldn't bring him back

I just can't seem to get it right today
Oh, I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh Lord, I said I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh Lord, I said I guess I'm gonna give up





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