Sunday, March 11, 2012

Now How Many Days In A Year. She Woke Up With Hope, But She Only Found Tears.

      The title of this post was taken from the song Absolutely by Nine Days.


      I haven't felt like writing lately. I don't want to talk about the good, bad or the ugly. However, I find that tonight I cannot sleep and so here I am. Over the last month or so I've felt like the ball in a pinball machine. One minute I'm sitting quietly, feeling at peace and then someone or something pulls back the trigger and I'm off and running, bouncing from here to there until I finally fall into the black hole at the bottom. The process just repeats itself, over and over again. My moods change often, and I often don't know how to deal with it. The only place where things remain a constant is at work. I can put myself in work mode, and do all the things I need to do, but after work my emotions are random. I don't know if it has to do with the one year mark coming up in April, or if I'm just putting too much pressure on myself. Whatever it is I don't like it. 
     Wednesday it will have been 11 months. I feel like on that day almost a year ago I fell into a deep dark hole, like Alice when she fell down the rabbit hole. Everything has been upside down, too big or small, and nothing fits correctly. Then, I feel like I'm running from someone who keeps yeliing "Off with her head!" as tragedy rains down. I have some beautiful things going on in my life, but it's hard for me to always see it. I want the pieces of my life to fall into place. I feel like I duct tape a piece of myself together only to have something happen that rips another hole in my soul. Why can't I just be happy...all the time? Why can't my life resemble something normal without me always worrying about what is going to happen next. 

2 comments:

Kate said...

Melanie,
I, too dread the "big day" Its been on my mind for the lasr couple of days :( I just don't know if or how I can/will handle it..I just keep in mind that he is watching over us and giving us strength to get through the day without feeling sad about him not physically being here..I pray to him often and hope he is listening...Love you so much!!1

Katrina Jackson said...

I'm happy to hear from you, though sad to find that you are in such a tumultuous place. A year can seem like such a long or short time depending on what's going on in your life. In the perspective of forever, it's not that long of a time to get over the promise of what was supposed to be. Emotions are hard things to roll with. I say this a lot, probably because I had to do it in my hardest periods of my life: "Look for the pockets of joy." They are always there. When you feel like you're falling down a dark, black hole, look around and see or pray to find that pocket of joy in that moment. It may not always help. Some holes keep going until we hit the bottom, but then we get back up and start climbing again. But sometimes, that pocket of joy is all you need to take one more step. Try to live fully in every day. Sometimes that looks like tackling a giant goal. Sometimes it's doing something that makes you feel good. Sometimes it's just getting out of bed in the morning and getting through the day. You'll find your happy, your peace. But it will always be interrupted. If not by this, then something else. We just have to keep going. Wishing you countless pockets of joy in the days to come. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Take care.