The title of this post was taken from the song Absolutely by Nine Days.
I haven't felt like writing lately. I don't want to talk about the good, bad or the ugly. However, I find that tonight I cannot sleep and so here I am. Over the last month or so I've felt like the ball in a pinball machine. One minute I'm sitting quietly, feeling at peace and then someone or something pulls back the trigger and I'm off and running, bouncing from here to there until I finally fall into the black hole at the bottom. The process just repeats itself, over and over again. My moods change often, and I often don't know how to deal with it. The only place where things remain a constant is at work. I can put myself in work mode, and do all the things I need to do, but after work my emotions are random. I don't know if it has to do with the one year mark coming up in April, or if I'm just putting too much pressure on myself. Whatever it is I don't like it.
Wednesday it will have been 11 months. I feel like on that day almost a year ago I fell into a deep dark hole, like Alice when she fell down the rabbit hole. Everything has been upside down, too big or small, and nothing fits correctly. Then, I feel like I'm running from someone who keeps yeliing "Off with her head!" as tragedy rains down. I have some beautiful things going on in my life, but it's hard for me to always see it. I want the pieces of my life to fall into place. I feel like I duct tape a piece of myself together only to have something happen that rips another hole in my soul. Why can't I just be happy...all the time? Why can't my life resemble something normal without me always worrying about what is going to happen next.