Friday, April 6, 2012

Life Is Sad. Life Is A Bust. All Ya Can Do Is Do What You Must.

     The title of this post was taken from the song Buckets of Rain by Bob Dylan.

     I have written and erased four posts today. I sit here knowing I want to say something, but for the life of me nothing seems right. I bought the kids the movie We Bought A Zoo, and I thought I would allow some quotes from this movie to express how I'm feeling. The movie quotes are in red.

Benjamin Mee— “Whatever is the laziest word of this century.”
Oh, how I can relate to this. Every answer to every question seems to be whatever lately. 

Dylan Mee—“Dad, nobody’s gonna give an “F” to a kid whose mom died 6 months ago.”
Maybe Dylan is right, but I was told the other day that by now I should be getting over Mike's death. Yea, not so much. I've learned that the more time that passes the less understanding people are. They tend to have the same kind of mindset, time moves on and so should we. It's not that easy.

Benjamin Mee—“I thought if I came out here it would stop.  Back home, every place reminded me of her….  It got better for a while, but it turns out that she’s here too…. When you love somebody that much, that hard, that long, you can never get away from it.”
That one needs no explanation.

Benjamin Mee—“Sometimes you don’t know what it is till you see what it is.”

Benjamin Mee: Hey Rosie, am I doing anything right?

Rosie Mee: You're handsomer than the other dads. Lots of them don't have hair, so that's good.

Benjamin Mee: Awesome. I'm gonna take baldness off my list of things to worry about.

I don't have the courage to ask my kids if I'm doing anything right. I'm afraid of the answer. 

Benjamin: "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. 
Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I 
promise you, something great will come of it."
I feel like I'm on the verge of something, but I don't know what it is. Many times my heart races, almost like an adrenaline rush, except there is no reason for it. I just feel like there is something I am supposed to be doing that I'm not, something that I don't have the courage to do, but I don't know what it is. I just want to figure out my life.


Kate said...

Mel, No one understands why I'm still having trouble with Mike's death...I will never get over it..I don't care who it is...DO NOT tell me to get over it and move on with my life..I just wished people had more feelings about you guys and thanks for chatting with me yesterday..

Beverly said...

This post made me cry ! Every individual grieves differently & I don't understand people who can put a time limit on something like that. Just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel!!!! I share alot of your feelings in dealing still with the tragic death of my best friend. Thinking of you with much love always.

ethompson said...

People love to give unsolicited advice, like telling you that you should be moving on by now. Only you know when it is right to move forward. I don't think you ever move on just forward. You are doing a great job with your kids. You are finding your way together.

Melanie said...

Elisabeth - Thank you so much. You will never know what your kind words of wisdom mean to me. Your friendship means a lot.

Kate- I know it's hard. You do what you need to do. Hope to see you soon.

George Glass said...

I found this blog while I was googling for the lyrics to "Buckets Of Rain". This is quite a thought provoking post.

A dear friend once said to me "If you can just get over everything, that means nothing really matters." Clearly your husband mattered to you, so of course you're not going to just "get over it". Your husband was very fortunate to have had a wife who valued him so much.

If you'll forgive a comment on a much much much less serious aspect of your post, I would like to defend the word "whatever". When I use it it means "I am tired of arguing, but do not wish to concede your point". It really comes in handy that way.