Monday, April 2, 2012

A Tricky Thing Is Yesterday We Were Just Children

    The title of this post was taken from the song Eyes Open by Taylor Swift.

      I call for them, and they come running. Each drop the various things they are doing and come skidding to a halt in front of me. "Family prayer." I say. Mason runs to turn off the T.V. and we all kneel on the floor. We make a circle as we hold each others hands. Mason likes to say the prayer every night, but so does Tyler so we usually say several prayers. Mason begins by giving thanks for the things he is grateful for. Tonight that list includes "Not being dead (yes, that was the first thing he said), that zombies weren't real, for Sebastian and Tyler, and for his aunts, uncles, and cousins. He asked for blessings for those who are sick, and then he concluded his prayer. Tyler gave thanks as well, but didn't go into as much detail as Mason. When we finish I sit in the floor as they all give me hugs, and go off to bed. In that moment I feel like all is well with the world. I sit and think about the family prayers from my childhood and youth. I have so many memories of kneeling with my family around my parents bed, as we all held hands and prayed.  How simple life seemed back then. My children have lost the opportunity for the same kind of memories I hold dear. They will never have their dad there to kneel down with them in prayer.
     I can't sleep tonight. There are so many things on my mind. I've thought for a long time about going back to school. Like I need more student loans, but I've never been sure about what I want to do. Over the last six months or so I've felt very strongly about getting certified as a Montessori Teacher. I love this teaching philosophy so much, and my dear friend Deb, who was a Montessori teacher, showed me so many different ways of thinking about education. I'm scared to take the leap and just do it. Is it something I'm impulsively looking at? Am I trying to fill a void in my life? I'm not sure, but what I do know is that I need something more. I need something and I don't even know what it is. I just feel this emptiness inside, and this overwhelming need to do something about it. Deb would have said go for it, and not look back. She and I always told each other things would work out, even when they looked at their worst we couldn't help but to look at each other and smile, and one of us would say "It'll be alright." Ever the fighter and always the optimist she never let anything break her spirit. She wouldn't be very proud of me right now. I will never forget one day she came over after Mike passed and walked through the front door, she paused a minute and said "Wow, your house is neater than normal. Now get up and lets go out." she pushed me past my limits, and she is probably the only person I would have allowed to do that. I miss her so very much. Many people may not know, but we often talked of opening a recreation/tutoring center for the young people in our city. She so badly wanted to give back to the community. We did a lot of research, and while nothing ever came from it, I know it wasn't something she ever forgot about. I miss Mike and I miss Deb. 


Darrell said...

I think about Mike constantly, especially lately now that it's close to a year. I don't have anything more to say than that. I just wanted you to know that, maybe it helps to know that at any given time when you're thinking about him, at that same moment, someone else is likely thinking about him, too. He had to leave, but he's not gone.

Melanie said...

I often feel alone in this journey, and I need to remember that he meant so much to so many other people. Your friendship to him before, and to me now means the world. Thank you.