Friday, April 20, 2012

Whenever One Door Closes I Hope One More Opens. Promise Me That You'll Give Faith A Fighting Chance

      The title of this post was taken from the song I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack.

     Guilt is such a powerful emotion. It can drive you crazy and leave you feeling empty. Guilt is something that I feel a lot of. I feel guilty that there was nothing I could do to help Mike that day. I feel guilty that I'm not the perfect mother for my kids. I feel guilty when I complain about small things, of all people I know that things can be a lot worse so why complain. I think the worst guilt comes when I'm happy. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy when Mike isn't here. It's a totally irrational thought and I completely understand that, but that doesn't keep me from feeling this way. Mike wouldn't want me to feel this way. Mike would want me to be happy.            
     There's someone pretty special in my life, besides my three amazing angels and my amazing family. John, I've posted stuff by him on here before, allows me to grieve and be who I am right now, and then pushes me to find happy moments. He listens as I go on and on about Mike, and the crazy that is my life right now. It's fun to tell all my stories to someone who has never heard them, and nice to know I can repeat them if I need to find comfort in them. I'm learning how to move forward AND keep Mike's memory alive. Now, if I can keep this delicate balance in check I'll be doing good.
     I want to end this post with a poem that I've read many times over the last year. It really makes me think.

The Dash
By Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who love her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile…
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?


Beverly said...

I am SO happy that you have found someone who makes YOU happy !!! I know you'll balance everything VERY well, more & more each day. We love you !

beth said...

I hate guilt, it is a legitimately necessary and yet stupid emotion. It does not know its place. Rob a bank yes feel guilty. Drink vyourself into oblivion and cease to function...feel guilty. Loose your spouse, unexpectedly, and begin to put your life back in order after the tornado of emotion and chaos....guilt has no business in that place. Tell guilt to piss off. None of us are perfect parents but you are a damned good one and you are right Mike would want you to be happy. It honors his memory when in a happy moment you smile and think "Mike would like this". As for having some one special, you enjoy his company and his comforting ways, he sounds like a good man.

Melanie said...

Beverly - Thanks. I'm learning to be happy.

Beth - Thank you for the love and support. I hate feeling guilty, especially when I know it isn't justified. I have fun with John :)