Sunday, May 13, 2012

Cause I Am A Superwoman Yes I Am...Even When I'm A Mess I Still Put On A Vest With An S On My Chest

    The title of this post was taken from the song Superwoman by Alicia Keys.

      I couldn't remember if I had blogged about Mother's Day last year, and I had to go back and look. I didn't post anything nor do I remember anything about it. I don't mean that it's just a blur and there are bits and pieces, I mean I remember absolutely nothing about it. I couldn't tell you if my family got together or not, I'm sure that I let my mom know how much she meant to me, but I can't recall any of it. 
     I hadn't thought much of Mother's Day this year, and it kinda snuck up on me. I know it's selfish, and I should be doing more to honor my mother, but I can't help but to feel a little lost. I've been sick all weekend, and I haven't felt like doing much. John and the kids gave me a plaque that says "Coolest Mother In The History Of Motherhood" It was very sweet of them. Right this minute I'm sitting on my bed with Jasper. Tyler is at Mikayla's house, Mason is taking a nap, and Sebastian is watching T.V. John went back to Williamsburg for the night to visit some family. I'm surrounded by tissues because I can't stop sneezing, and I'm blaming my wet cheeks on the fact my eyes won't stop watering, but in reality I'm just sad. I don't even understand why I'm so sad all of the sudden. I've had wonderful friends text me to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. They understand the void that is there, and they try to fill it for me. I have a wonderful family that bought me little things to honor me today. So why am I feeling like this? I think it's because when I'm alone I allow myself to delve into those dark places that I've tucked neatly away. I let myself unfold those emotions that have been folded over, creased, flattened and shoved to the darker recesses of my being. I allow myself to take a peak at the used to be of yesterday. I let my mind drift to the land of what if's, and I give myself permission to grieve for a small insecure moment. 
      I must say that overall I'm getting better about allowing myself to have moments of happiness, but I also realize that it's important to allow myself some downtime when I am free to just be. Now is one of those moments, and it's in these moments that I feel like writing which really isn't fair. In writing only when I'm sad or upset I miss out on telling you about the funny or sweet moments in my life. Like how at 2:00am this morning John fixed me a cup of TheraFlu to drink because I was feeling so miserable. I miss out on telling you about the incredible friends I have or how my children can be so sappy sweet that I often just stare at them. I miss telling you about the wonderful things going on in my life, and how there may be some bigger changes in the near future. I'm not quite ready to go into those so you'll just have to wait. I guess right now I need to dry my eyes, pick myself up off the bed, and focus on what I have in my life at this moment. I have kids who love me....most of the time. I have a family that would and have gone to the ends of the earth to make me happy and be there for me, and last but not least I have John in my life. Time to take these paper thin tender emotions and fold them up once again, making sure all the creases match up and it's as flat and perfect as can be. I'll tuck it away into the part of my heart that Mike will always hold, and when I have another small moment of quiet time I'll pull it out and cry and laugh at all the things I miss and will never be. For right now I'm using this as my strength to get up and be the super mom I know I'm not. I wonder if I can squeeze in a nap?

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