I Can Feel A Phoenix Inside Of Me

The title of this post was taken from the song Who Am I Living For by Katy Perry.

Blessed. I often don’t think of my life that way. My days are often a blur.

5:00 am – Wake up and get ready for school.

6:30 am – Begin getting all three kiddos up. I end up yelling before it’s all said and done.

6:30 – 7:30 – Get kids fed, dressed, hair brushed, backpacks together, and I run out the door with Mason and Tyler. Sebastian catches the bus at the end of our street. I need to thank him for being responsible and never missing the bus this year. What a relief it has been not to have to worry about that.

7:45 – We unload from the van and head through the school doors.

8:00 – 3:30 – I work and the kids learn. I take that back my students teach me new things each and every day. I learn as well. I have learned over the last few weeks not to walk down the halls without my fingers crossed, because if I do I will have 20 kids try to give me the cheese touch J. I have one class that calls me Awesome Mrs. Dawson. They will never know how much that means to me. I can’t imagine doing anything differently with my life.

3:30 – Leave school. I usually have some kind of errand to run, but I always try to be home by 4:00 so that I can meet Sebastian when he comes through the door.

4:30 – We start on homework. I read with Mason and help Tyler as needed. By this point in the day we are all a little cranky, and there are often complaints and “I don’t want to!” We manage to make it through and backpacks get put away.

5:30 – The rumblings of “I’m Hungry!” begin to echo through the house, and usually I make several realizations at once, 1) I really need to go grocery shopping. 2) I have no idea what to fix even if there were stuff in my house. 3) The leftovers from dinner my mom made us two nights ago are all gone. 4) I hate cooking. 5) Can I just feed the kids PB&J. No, that was yesterday. You get the idea. So we often end up ordering out. Yuck!

7:00 – Everyone has eaten dinner, watched a little T.V. and played the Wii. We each pick up a few things so the house isn’t such a mess. When I say “10 things” the kids know this means they must go through the house and each one has to find 10 things that are out of place and put them away.

8:00 – Mason and Tyler get baths or showers.

9:00 – PJ’s are on, and teeth are being brushed.

9:30 – Mason runs out of his bedroom screaming “I’m Hungry!” We will have a power struggle over this for about 10 minutes which leaves him mad and screaming “I don’t love you!” and me saying “Okay, just please go to bed.”

10:30 – Normally everyone is asleep by this time, and I am beyond ready for bed.

Now, this reflects a day when we having nothing going on. When I factor in sports or other events the evenings get a little crazier.

….okay and what was my point? Oh! I tend to get caught up in the day to day that is this schedule. I need to remember how blessed I am. I have three truly amazing children, and even though they sometimes tell me they hate me or they roll their eyes at the things I say and do, I know that they love me and they certainly know how much I love them.

     I still grieve for Mike. It’s a daily thing, and I suppose it always will be. We talk about Mike like he is still alive. “Oh, Daddy would have loved that!” or “Dad would be so proud of you!”, “You do that just like your Dad.” and on and on and on. I am so incredibly grateful for this. I am glad that we are so open with each other that we can say things like this and it’s okay. Sometimes it rips open a piece of me, and I find myself tearing up. The kids know that, just as it’s okay to smile about his memory, it’s okay to cry too.

      My children are amazing. Sebastian has so many of his dad’s mannerisms, and he looks just like Mike. He is sensitive and strong. He recognizes the gaps that have been left in our lives and he tries so hard to fill them. He is cautious about what material things he asks for, because he knows I have to watch our money. He will often wash dishes without being asked, because he knows I’ve had a long day and work and he understands that I don’t get a break. He will be 13 in October so we have some teenage moments when attitude comes out, but I really lucked out with him. Tyler is my strong willed child. She is creative in every aspect of her life, and I can’t help but smile when she sits to draw. She is like her dad. It’s often her way or no way, and I’m trying to use this to my advantage. I understand all too well that what works for one child will not work for another. She tests my boundaries, and it takes unconventional methods with her sometimes. She has an incredibly sweet spirit about her. She would do anything for anyone, and her caring nature for those who do not have as much as she does, is simply amazing to watch. Mason is a firecracker. He wants to make people laugh and is so outgoing. I’m not sure where he gets that from, because neither Mike nor I are like that. He has the energy of twenty kids combined. He goes nonstop from the time he gets up until he crashes at night. There is no slowing him down. His nickname is Moose, short for Moose Goose. He will often snuggle up with me, and he talks freely about his dad. He will tell whoever will listen all about Mike passing away, heart disease, and how his dad is in Heaven watching over him. I admire and appreciate his ability to talk about things freely. What a smart little boy.

Through the tragedy of the last year we have grown. Our little family has pulled together and worked hard to uplift each other.

“Mom, why are you crying?” asks little Mason

“My love, I am overcome with love and gratitude. I may not have your dad here anymore, but Heavenly Father gave me three little angels to hold in his place.”

“Mom?”

“Yes dear?’

“I love you to infinity and beyond.”

“Ditto.”