Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Here I Lie Forever. Sorrow Still Remains.

The title of this post was taken from the song Hopeless by Breaking Benjamin.

"Melanie, we have a new sister missionary. Would you, John and the kids like to join us for dinner tomorrow night."

"Sure Mom. Just let me know what time."

"I really think you are going to like her. She is an artist."

My throat starts to close a little as I mumble "uh-huh."

"Her brother, I think, has done some work for Pixar. Isn't that neat?"

I make not a sound. My thoughts are tumbling around in my head. 

"I thought Tyler would like to bring some of her art to show her. I bet they will hit it off."

I clue in on a few thoughts as they spin in and out of focus. "Maybe I can introduce her to Mike. Mike would love to talk art." I berate myself for allowing my mind to go there. I was always looking for ways to help Mike develop his talent and do something he would enjoy with it. He was always down on his art saying anyone could do it if they tried. I feel sick when I realize how quickly those thoughts come. Raw emotion builds up until I feel like I'm going to implode. How much time has passed? What's Mom saying? Focus Melanie just focus.

"...bring whatever. Maybe you'd like to bring a few pieces of Mike's art to show her. I know she would love to see some of them."

"Uh-huh. We'll see."

"Well okay hun. I'll talk to ya later. Love you."

"Love you too Mom."

I sit on the couch numb. What in the world just happened? I went from okay to crazy anxious in about 0.32 seconds and now I don't know how to bring myself out of it. I feel jittery and I'm unable to sit or focus on anything. I feel myself losing patience with myself and as this happens anger sets in. "What is wrong with you Melanie? For the love of all that is holy what the heck is wrong with you! You haven't learned how to handle this yet? How are you going to manage dinner tomorrow? Lame, just stamp an L on your forehead right now." Slowly the anger dissipates and I'm left feeling drained and empty. I hold back the tears. I don't want to cry. I will them not to spill over my eyelids. I know that if I start I may not be able to stop. I work hard to stuff all my emotions back into the shell of who I am. Put a lid back on it and keep it bottled up for just a bit longer. I don't do well at hiding my mixed emotions. I know that John knows something isn't quiet right. He asks me if I'm okay and I tell him I am. He doesn't badger or push for understanding, because he knows that sometimes I feel a little off. He endures my moods and makes jokes to try and make me smile. A few hours pass and I feel almost myself again. A smile creeps onto my face and I remember that I do indeed have a lot to be thankful for. I am loved.

Friday, July 13, 2012

So Find Yourself, We're On Our Way Back Home

     The title of this post was taken from the song Give A Little Bit Goo Goo Dolls.
     I took a brief break from writing and now I'm back...I'm not sure if I should apologize to the people who read this or not. Life has been crazy busy these last few weeks and, I while I often thought about sitting down to write, I just couldn't get my thoughts in order. 
     June 20 - 22: I joined my niece and sister for Girl's Camp. Girl's Camp is a church camp for young woman ages 12 - 18. They learn different skills while making new friends and learning more about the gospel. This was Mikayla's first year going. Mikayla has Cerebral Palsy and, while she is one of the smartest young ladies I know, she does require the assistance of a wheelchair. Taking her camping required so much more than it would have to take all three of my kids. Mandaly went up the day before I did and I met them that Wednesday. I remember mumbling to myself while I packed the night before...I just knew I was going to forget something important and I was less than thrilled about the hundred degree temperatures they were forecasting. As much as my head wanted to complain my heart was totally into this trip. I wanted to be there to help out and offer assistance to Mandaly but, I must admit that, I had some selfish intentions. I wanted to be there to experience this with Mikayla and watch as she encountered new experiences. As I pulled into camp and unloaded my things into our hogan my eyes began to fill with tears. While I had been thinking of myself and what needs I had Mandaly had so much more to think about. As I looked at how organized and prepared she was I was totally humbled. I know how hard Mandaly works to make sure Mikayla has as many opportunities in life as she can but the unconditional love she shows never fails to choke me up. When I arrived Mandaly and Mikayla were at the lake paddle-boating and canoeing. Not only was it a long walk to the lake but it was close to 100 degrees out and, once they arrived, she had to physically pick her up and put her into the boat. My admiration for both of them continued to grow as I watched them that week. Mikayla uses a motorized wheelchair and watching her go around and talk with the new friends was so incredibly awesome. She spent a good bit of time just doing her own thing. I didn't think I could possibly love either of them any more than I already did but I was wrong. I know that I was supposed to be there to help out but I think I always get more out of time together than I'm able to give back. If you haven't watched the videos of my dear Mikaya you can check them out here and then here

     June 24: We went to Williamsburg to meet some of John's family that were in visiting from Arizona. I was super excited to meet them and for the kids to have new cousins, aunts, and uncles. We had so much fun! He has an incredible family and I instantly hit it off with them. There were no awkward moments of not knowing what to say or how to act. We all just seemed to clique and I was beyond excited to know that my family circle was expanding to include some amazing people.  Here are some pictures of our trip.

This was taken at Busch Gardens. John, Mason, Tyler, David (Sebastian's friend) and Sebastian.

Tyler playing at the beach with her new cousin Alexis. They had so much fun!

John's sister-in-law Crystal and his sister Sabrina. Love them both!

Johns brother Daniel, his sister Sabrina and John.

David, Sebastian, and the kids new cousin Garrett. 

     June 30th: We had originally planned on coming home this Saturday. My mom called me the night before and said there was no use in us coming home. A huge storm had come through our county and the power was out everywhere. Trees were down and there was a lot of damage. With temperatures over 100 and the heat index even higher it just didn't make sense to go home to a dark house and no air conditioning.
     July 4th: We ended up coming home on only to realize that, while we had power, the air conditioner was out. We couldn't get it fixed until Friday so the house stayed a lovely 84 degrees or more for a few days. It was awesome. During all of this Jasper, John's Great Dane (okay, technically Jasper is John's dog but I'm baby dogs momma and I adore him so) stopped eating. He didn't eat anything for about a week and, by the end of it, he could hardly walk. We had already taken him to the vet for blood work and nothing really showed up, he wasn't dehydrated and they said to bring him back if things got worse. Watching this huge dog fall to the floor as he tried to walk was more than I could handle. I cried and we drove him to an emergency vet an hour away. We were there 'til two that morning and his blood work showed that he had a tick born illness in his blood. They also took x-rays of his stomach to make sure there was nothing going on there. In the end, 2 days after the first set of blood work, it took more blood work, a heart worm antigen, x-rays, anti-nausea medicine, a parasite treatment, and they gave us antibiotics to give him at home. He is doing much better now. He had lost about 15 pounds and is slowly gaining that back too. Here are some pictures of Jasper at home. 

Mason and Jasper

Jasper trying to sit on Sebastian :)

Jasper playing the Wii with Tyler

Hanging out with my baby.

We still haven't moved yet but, hopefully, in the next week or so. I can't wait to be in our new house.