Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Here I Lie Forever. Sorrow Still Remains.

The title of this post was taken from the song Hopeless by Breaking Benjamin.

"Melanie, we have a new sister missionary. Would you, John and the kids like to join us for dinner tomorrow night."

"Sure Mom. Just let me know what time."

"I really think you are going to like her. She is an artist."

My throat starts to close a little as I mumble "uh-huh."

"Her brother, I think, has done some work for Pixar. Isn't that neat?"

I make not a sound. My thoughts are tumbling around in my head. 

"I thought Tyler would like to bring some of her art to show her. I bet they will hit it off."

I clue in on a few thoughts as they spin in and out of focus. "Maybe I can introduce her to Mike. Mike would love to talk art." I berate myself for allowing my mind to go there. I was always looking for ways to help Mike develop his talent and do something he would enjoy with it. He was always down on his art saying anyone could do it if they tried. I feel sick when I realize how quickly those thoughts come. Raw emotion builds up until I feel like I'm going to implode. How much time has passed? What's Mom saying? Focus Melanie just focus.

"...bring whatever. Maybe you'd like to bring a few pieces of Mike's art to show her. I know she would love to see some of them."

"Uh-huh. We'll see."

"Well okay hun. I'll talk to ya later. Love you."

"Love you too Mom."

I sit on the couch numb. What in the world just happened? I went from okay to crazy anxious in about 0.32 seconds and now I don't know how to bring myself out of it. I feel jittery and I'm unable to sit or focus on anything. I feel myself losing patience with myself and as this happens anger sets in. "What is wrong with you Melanie? For the love of all that is holy what the heck is wrong with you! You haven't learned how to handle this yet? How are you going to manage dinner tomorrow? Lame, just stamp an L on your forehead right now." Slowly the anger dissipates and I'm left feeling drained and empty. I hold back the tears. I don't want to cry. I will them not to spill over my eyelids. I know that if I start I may not be able to stop. I work hard to stuff all my emotions back into the shell of who I am. Put a lid back on it and keep it bottled up for just a bit longer. I don't do well at hiding my mixed emotions. I know that John knows something isn't quiet right. He asks me if I'm okay and I tell him I am. He doesn't badger or push for understanding, because he knows that sometimes I feel a little off. He endures my moods and makes jokes to try and make me smile. A few hours pass and I feel almost myself again. A smile creeps onto my face and I remember that I do indeed have a lot to be thankful for. I am loved.


Beverly said...

This made me cry & I just wanted to say "love ya " & it's all normal & you're NOT lame !

beth said...

Sweet one healing is a long process, if seeing a picture of my Grangran 10 years after his death can still bring me to tears, so much more so it must be for you when something like this happens. Moving on does not mean you forget or deny you ever loved/love Mike, it simply means picking up the pieces of your broken heart as you stumble across them. Share with John, you have to have someone you can trust to confide in that can actually see your face when you do it. Love you so much and please know i do pray for you every day.