Thursday, August 30, 2012

The More You Change The Less You Feel

     The title of this post was taken from the song Tonight, Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins.

     The days are going by so fast. I squeeze my eyes shut as my alarm goes off. I reach over and look at the time...4 am already...I just went to bed how is that possible. I hit the snooze button but I know it's a lost cause, my mind is already bubbling with thoughts of all the things I need to do this morning. I turn the alarm off as I sit on the side of the bed for a second. I'm debating just going back to sleep, but responsibilities keep me anchored where I'm at. I cringe at the anticipation of my toes touching the chilly floor and it sends a shiver through me. I take a deep breath as I work up the nerve to move forward with my day. The next two hours are a blur as I create to do lists...lists that I know I will never complete in one day. Time passes...it's 5:50. I have ten minutes before I have to wake up my dear kids. Ten minutes of quiet before the chaos breaks loose, ten minutes before small arguments erupt and cries of "I'm tired" erupt from all three floors of the house. I really just want to yell back at them that I'm tired too. The kids move at a turtles pace and Mason asks if I'll just hold him for a bit because he's cold. I wrap him up in my arms and take in the sweet smell of his tiny little head as he yawns and snuggles in closer. I don't want to let him go, can we just stay in this moment forever? For weeks now I had longed for the schedule and routine that going back to school would offer, but now I just want those quiet mornings back. 
     I foolishly thought that moving would solve so many problems for me. I allowed myself to believe that this move would fix everything. It didn't fix the attitude from my almost teenage son, it didn't fix my grief or my memories, it didn't make day to day life any easier, everyone having their own bedroom didn't eliminate the fights between the kids, having new rooms didn't motivate them to keep them any cleaner than they did before, moving didn't fix any of that or a number of other things. Really I'm just the same little insecure girl except now I'm in a much bigger house. Changing my surroundings didn't change me...and I guess a part of me just wanted to be someone else for awhile...I wanted to be better than me. Melancholy, that's a great word to describe how I'm feeling this very second in this one moment of my life. I know this moment is fleeting and I won't always feel this way, but for now here it is.

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