Saturday, January 19, 2013

Maybe It's Not Too Late To Learn How To Love

     The title of this post was taken from the song Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne.

     I had a melt down a few weeks ago and everything anyone said or did seemed to reduce me to tears. I was picking arguments with John and we got into a not so nice argument over how to handle some discipline issues with the kids. Eventually a whole smorgasbord of emotions came out. A big part of me was feeling sad/angry for the kids and what they have had to deal with in the span of their short little lives. I was feeling a bit out of control myself and I really just didn't know how to share what I was feeling. Then John said something that gave me pause and made me realize that I was acting crazy. He said:

"I think you're projecting some of your pain on to the kids. It's making you think they hurt way more than they do because you still hurt so much."

Just a few days before this Sebastian and I had the following conversation:

"Sebastian, do you ever get sad when you think of your dad?"

"No."

He said it in such a matter-of-fact tone, that I was taken aback. "Really? Not even a little bit?"

"No."

"Do you think about him a lot?"

"Yea."

"Well what do you think about?"

"Stuff we did together."

I don't think he was being a tough kid and holding it all in; it was very honest and real. For the most part, the kids don't cry over losing their dad. We talk about Mike all the time and we still tell stories about him but we always talk about his life and not his passing. This is a good thing and I'm proud of them. I guess sometimes I think that if they aren't hurting or don't get upset about it then maybe they don't miss him. I know this is completely crazy. Thank you John for helping me see this. 
     This brings up another point. I've said it before and I'll say it again, John deserves angel status for putting up with all of the crazy in my life. How hard it must be for him to watch this internal struggle I go through. He willingly took on this role knowing that Mike's memory would live on in our lives but I know it can't be easy for him. So my dearest John, I want you to know just how much I love you. I love you for making me laugh and working so hard to make me happy. I love you for your patience and insight. I love our silly moments and how easy things are with you. I love all the many ways you show your love for us. We are blessed because of you. Thank you for staying aboard the Crazy Train and not "going off the rails" on us when things get hard.