Tuesday, February 19, 2013

If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands

What are five things that make you the most happy right now?

I will start by saying that I've recently been told I don't smile much. I feel like I do but apparently not. I guess I don't do a very good job of making myself look happy. None the less here are five things that make me happy.

1) My family makes me happy. They are my world.

2) My education makes me happy. I'm so incredibly glad that I didn't let myself quit college when it got hard. I didn't find out until college how much I love learning. It's because of my education that I have a job I love. A job that challenges me and teaches me new things. A job that helped support me when Mike passed away. I'm grateful for the means I have to provide for my family.

3) Sleep makes me happy. For a long time, I didn't sleep much and, now that I'm able to, sleep makes me oh so happy.

4) Technology makes me happy. I like my gadgets.

5) My pjs, my dog, and my returning enthusiasm for reading all make me happy.

Monday, February 18, 2013

In Your Eyes Is A Place Worth Remembering

The title of this post was taken from the song Love Is Not Enough by NIN.

List ten things you would tell your sixteen year old self.

1) It's okay to be yourself. Don't ever apologize for not fitting the mold. 
Be your own kind of beautiful.

2) Don't be so naive.

3) Your life will be full of ups and downs. Create reasons to live and hang on to them.

4) The small moments in life really are the ones that matter so don't let them pass you by.

5) You're not fat...that comes later in your life so stop complaining.

6) Your parents love you very much and they know more than you think. 
Be quiet and listen for a change.

7) Keep playing the piano. Don't let that go.

8) Don't regret your mistakes simply learn from them. They helped to make me the woman I am and I'm okay with that.

9) You're smarter than you think you are. Give yourself some credit.

10) Suffering from depression doesn't mean you are crazy.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Beyond The Door There's Peace I'm Sure

     The title of this post was taken from the song Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton.

     Happy Valentine's Day! I say this out of kindness because I really don't like Valentine's Day. It's such a commercial "holiday" and I've never liked feeling pressured to buy something for someone I love on this particular day of the year. Today hasn't been awful and it hasn't been terrific either. Tyler came home from school to find that her hamster, Gizmo, had died. She and Mason were pretty upset. Tyler made a pink duct tape box to bury her in and picked a spot underneath one of the trees in the yard. I hate watching them cry. This is one more thing that was here when Mike was alive and is now gone. Tyler and I had a short conversation that went something like this.

"Honey I'm so sorry. Can you tell me where Gizmo is now?"

"She's in heaven with Dad...and Mel (guinea pig), Sam (bird), Halan (horse she rode last year), and Deb."

"Yes, Sweetie she is."

It makes me really sad that someone her age has dealt with so many losses but I'm so glad I'm here to dry her tears.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

It's A Little Different Now

    The title of this post was taken from the song You're Going Down by Sick Puppies.

Describe your relationship with your spouse. 
That's the topic for today. 
Kind of ironic because I've been waiting for a good time to post this. 

     I was asked the other day how married life was treating me and it made me really stop and think. First, let me say that I love John very very much. This relationship has taken a lot of adjustment from both of us and it hasn't been easy. First we were 33 when we married and we both had been on our own for quite some time. We both have set ways we do things and those ways don't always match. We are both learning to let things go and understand that some things just are not that important. For example, we fold the towels differently. I prefer my way of folding them and he prefers his. From the beginning I realized it would be stupid to argue about how towels are folded but dang it my way looks neater ;). The thing is; John does all of the laundry. That's right ladies eat your hearts out and, if John is going to be amazing enough to do all the laundry, then he can fold the towels any way he wants to. On the occasion when I help with laundry then I fold the towels how I like them. Who needs to fight over stuff like that when there are more important things to fight over. 
     One area that is particularly difficult is how to handle discipline with the kids. For the most part Sebastian and Tyler are pretty well behaved and we don't have too many issues with them. Mason on the other hand is a different story. When Mike passed away, Mason was 4 and we all had such a hard time dealing with things that he got away with so much more than he normally would have. If you want cookies for dinner because mom can't get herself together enough to function, then, by all means, have cookies. I often gave him what he wanted because it was simply all I could do. Now that we are getting things together and are back in a routine I'm finding that he thinks he can whine and get whatever he wants. I'm having to take back control and work on my discipline with him. This puts John in an awkward position coming into this mix. We are figuring things out and things are running a lot smoother around here.
     The last thing that makes things difficult is the fact we were both married before and we both bring a lot of our own baggage to this relationship. Sometimes I find myself saying, "I'm not your ex." I feel the need to remind him that I'm me, I'm here now and I want things to work. Sometimes I get upset about things and John will say, "I'm not Mike." Mike and I didn't have a perfect marriage and there were times we were mean and spiteful to each other but we loved each other very much.  It's then that we both have to back off and really think about what we are doing, saying, or feeling and remember that this is new for the both of us. It's hard to separate who you have always been from who you are trying to be. It's crazy hard for both of us but we love each other fiercely and it's worth it.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Disarm You With A Smile

The title of this post was taken from the song Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins.

I have a really good friend Darrell, who has a blog here. As part of my morning routine I sit and read his posts. He is an incredible writer and my favorite post by him can be found right here. Okay, that's my favorite until I see what he posts tomorrow. Go check out his blog. 

My topic for today is to describe three legitimate fears I have 
and explain how they became fears.

     Are any fears legitimate? I would dare say most are not, but there are times when life throws us a curve ball and we take those experiences and find something to fear in them. So here are my fears legitimate or not.

1) I fear never being good enough. I have always thought that even when I try my best there is room for improvement. In my opinion nothing I do is ever good enough. My fear is that the people I love will realize this and leave. Stupid maybe...okay probably. It doesn't stop it from being a fear.

2) I have a fear of losing the people I love. 
It terrifies to think that one day I may be a widow again. 

3) I have an insane fear of mayonnaise. I can't even tell you why. I remember as a child having a babysitter that fixed me a sandwich with mayonnaise on it and after I told them I didn't like it they refused to fix me anything else. Mayonnaise smells funny, it looks funny, it sounds funny when you stir it, and it tastes awful. I don't even like keeping it in the house and goodness knows I don't cook with it. I can't stand it. I once smacked someone for wiping mayonnaise on my arm. 
Not my proudest moment.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Many Distant Miles Away

     The title of this post was taken from the song Medicine Man by Pantera.

      In an attempt to do better about writing everyday I'm using an idea I found on this blog. This lady posted a list of things that she wanted her kids to know about her. I thought it was a neat idea. There are 30 things on the list and I'll post about one of those everyday. The first thing on the list was to list 20 random facts about yourself.

1) I got married the first time at the age of 18, became a widow at age 31, 
and remarried at 33.

2) I have three very amazing children. Sebastian is 13, Tyler is 11 and Mason is 6. 
Are there more kids in my future...possibly.

3) I gave up soda as part of my get a little healthier plan for this year.
 It's now been 17 days since I've had a Diet Pepsi.

4) I'm a Special Education Teacher. I have two Masters Degrees and in April I start online classes from The Florida Institute of Technology for certification as a BCBA. I'm super excited!

5) I procrastinate a lot more than I should...that goes hand in hand with going to school right?

6) I am horrible at spelling. I always thought I just took after my dad, but then I realized that I learned to read through the whole language approach and not through learning phonics. 

7) I'm a pretty picky eater. I don't like my food to touch. I don't like mixing foods that don't sound like they should go together. For example cheesecake, who thought it was a good idea to put cheese and cake together. I just can't do it. I know many people love it, but I just can't.

8) I hate mayonnaise, this deserves a number of its own. Mayonnaise is evil.

9) After Mike passed away I began having panic attacks. I still have them.

10) I worry a lot about everything, but my biggest worry is that I'll never be good enough for the people who love me.

11) I have a very short attention span and I've worked really hard at finding ways to handle this.

12) I get up at 4:00 or 4:30 on most mornings. I love the quiet before chaos.

13) I have two brothers and a sister. All of our names start with M and have seven letters, Matthew, Melanie, Mandaly, Michael. 
Growing up we were the M & M kids.

14) Family is crazy important to me. My parents are my heros. I love them so incredibly much and have no idea what I would do without them. My sister is my BFF, and my brothers are amazing men. Oh the stories I could tell about them.

15) I met John online...gasp! 
I listened to someone the other day talk about how meeting people over the internet was a horrible idea and just shouldn't be done. Sometimes its a great idea.

16) I have a fear of heights but I love roller coasters. I really want to skydive one day.

17) I used to be the eternal optimist. My favorite thing to say when things weren't going as planned was 

"It will all work out because it has to."

 Life changes you and now I'm pretty cynical. 
One of my favorite quotes comes from the TV show House

"Wanting to believe the best about people doesn't make it true."

It's unreal how much I sound like Mike.

18) We have several pets. Tyler has a hamster named Gizmo, we have a Great Dane his name is Jasper, two cats Snoopy and Tres, and we have two rabbits Mo-Mo and Po. That sounds like a lot now that I read it.

19) My favorite video game is Dr. Mario, but I'm also pretty good at Guitar Hero.

20) I've learned that life is short and I shouldn't take things for granted. I've learned some things you will never get over and time does not heal all wounds. I've learned that despite all of that there is a way to find happiness. 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

With Grace In Your Heart And Flowers In Your Hair.

     The title of this post was taken from the song After The Storm by Mumford and Sons.

     Music is a big part of my life and it always has been. As a teenager I really liked alternative music and as I dated and married Mike I really got into heavier stuff. I appreciated the artistic talents of many different bands. About two years ago I started listening to Mumford and Sons, and I feel in love with them. After Mike passed away their song  After The Storm became one of my favorites. There were many nights I would put that song on repeat and let it play all night long. The lyrics simply resonated with me to the absolute core. 
     The kids by default get to listen to a lot of my music and some of it has worn off on them. The other day Sebastian made this Facebook post:

I took a screen shot of this and posted it on my Facebook with a message that said "I must be doing something right as a parent :) love that he loves Mumford and Sons." My mom, bless her heart, read my post and wrote on my wall. Here is what she said:

"Who the heck is Mumford and Sons, you must mean Sanford and Son. Great TV show from way back."

Then she made another post that said:

"Sanford and Son were not singers."

Oh, my dear sweet mother. Gotta love her.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Did You Lose Yourself Somewhere Out There

     The title of this post was taken from the song Name by Goo Goo Dolls.

     It's cold even though the hot air pours through the vents. A chill sits deep in my bones and refuses to let the heat permeate. Like the air that slips past me I can't seem to catch my voice, I can't seem to put my finger on the thousands of thoughts and emotions swirling inside me. Sometimes I just can't help but feel lost in my own life. 
     Do you know why water and oil don't mix? Water is a polar molecule (one end/side is + the other is -), and oil is non-polar. My life right now is a bit like this. My grief is like oil, it's slippery and seems to move without reason. The life I've rebuilt for myself is like water. It's clear and sparkles in the sun. What happens though when you try to mix oil and water? Have you ever tried it? This is what is looks like.

My grief and my current life are a lot like this, they just don't mix. How can I be so happy but still have these overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger and guilt. Right there in the mix of my happy life is a sadness that consumes me. I lose all sense of who I am or who I'm trying to be. I simply cannot get these two areas of my life to mix...
                                                                         but honestly 
                                                                                                maybe I don't want them to.

"Sometimes dark thoughts cloud my mind. I feel depressed like a shell of a person longing to find what isn't lost and gain what I already have. Then I look in the mirror, turn away, and die a little more inside

Saturday, February 2, 2013

I Get A Little Warm In My Heart When I Think Of Winter

     The title of this post was taken from the song Winter by Tori Amos.

     Things have been a little hectic this last week. I'm dealing with some changes at work and I cause myself a lot of stress by worrying about things I have no control over. I worry a lot about everything, but that's for another post.
     We were out of school again on Friday and after been stuck inside I decided we needed to get out for a bit today. We took Sebastian, Mason and Jasper to Humpback Bridge to walk around. By the time we got there it had started to snow again. Tyler spent the day with her BFF so she missed this family adventure. Here are some pictures.

Seriously Beautiful!!!


Sebastian and Mason

My Boys

Mason trying to catch snow flakes.

Just me