Monday, February 4, 2013

Did You Lose Yourself Somewhere Out There

     The title of this post was taken from the song Name by Goo Goo Dolls.

     It's cold even though the hot air pours through the vents. A chill sits deep in my bones and refuses to let the heat permeate. Like the air that slips past me I can't seem to catch my voice, I can't seem to put my finger on the thousands of thoughts and emotions swirling inside me. Sometimes I just can't help but feel lost in my own life. 
     Do you know why water and oil don't mix? Water is a polar molecule (one end/side is + the other is -), and oil is non-polar. My life right now is a bit like this. My grief is like oil, it's slippery and seems to move without reason. The life I've rebuilt for myself is like water. It's clear and sparkles in the sun. What happens though when you try to mix oil and water? Have you ever tried it? This is what is looks like.

My grief and my current life are a lot like this, they just don't mix. How can I be so happy but still have these overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger and guilt. Right there in the mix of my happy life is a sadness that consumes me. I lose all sense of who I am or who I'm trying to be. I simply cannot get these two areas of my life to mix...
                                                                         but honestly 
                                                                                                maybe I don't want them to.

"Sometimes dark thoughts cloud my mind. I feel depressed like a shell of a person longing to find what isn't lost and gain what I already have. Then I look in the mirror, turn away, and die a little more inside


Anonymous said...

Grief is so painful and I don't think it ever ends~

Anonymous said...

I'd love to post something like "It'll get better" or "It will get easier," but I have no idea if it does or not. I hope it does, though. I hope like hell that it does. I'm rooting for you.

Melanie said...

Thanks Darrell. It will get better. Sometimes it's hard to focus on that when it feels like it will never end.