Friday, March 29, 2013

Oh What A Rat Race

     The title of this post was taken from the song Rat Race by Bob Marley.

     Last week John sent me a text from downstairs that went something like this.

John to me - "So, are we going to Roanoke today?"

"For what?"

"Remember, we had talked about letting Tyler get another hamster."

"Oh, yea...well I guess."

So we packed the kids into the van and headed to Petsmart. Tyler's hamster Gizmo died a few months ago; Gizmo was a cute little dwarf hamster. This time Tyler decided to pick out a Bear Hamster. Seriously that's the name of the breed. It was the ugliest hamster in the store. In fact I immediately nicknamed it Fat Rat. Honestly from the beginning I was worried it wouldn't fit in the cage she already had. I told her it might get stuck in the tubes. Nothing would change her mind, she wanted this big ugly rodent. We bought her and on the trip home Tyler had I had this conversation.

"Tyler, it's pretty big what if it doesn't fit in the cage."

"Mmmmoooooommmmm! It will be fine."

"Okay, but it is pretty fat."

"SHE'S NOT FAT, SHE'S FLUFFY! I think I'll call her Fluffy."

"Okay, but she'll be Fat Rat to me."

Fat Rat managed to escape her cage on the second night we had her. Thank heavens Tyler finally caught her as she tried to gnaw her way into her food bag. Good grief!

      So now we have a hamster named fluffy, two rabbits (Mo-Mo and Po), two cats (Tres and Snoopy), and one dog (Jasper). I'm starting to feel like I live in a zoo. I shouldn't mention that we've promised Mason he can get a gerbil if he can show us he is responsible enough to help Tyler clean Fluffy's cage. Sigh...
     On the upside we are on Spring Break next week! John is on his way home from picking up his niece who will be staying with us. We are super excited and have some fun stuff planned. Can't wait to take lots of pictures and enjoy some family time.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Beneath The Stains Of Time

     The title of this post was taken from the song Hurt by Nine Inch Nails.

     I started this blog shortly after Mike died. In the beginning there really wasn't a purpose it was simply me getting out what I was feeling and dealing with. As time has gone on and my life has started to move on I've lost focus of what I want this blog to be. I've thought about retiring this one and starting a new one. A new blog for the new adventures in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm moving too far away from what this was meant to be. Maybe I feel guilty that I'm trying to be happy with my life. I don't know. Anyway, I was cleaning out a drawer this afternoon and found a notebook that I also wrote in after Mike died. Those writings are even more in-depth than what I've posted here. I have no plans of publishing those as they are very dark and angry and there are many people in my life that would be offended by them. One thing that I will share is a poem of sorts. This was written June 26, 2011. No title and clearly not finished. Just thoughts.

It softly glows like the sun beginning to rise.
It quietly pulses like my blood through my veins.
It sweetly whispers like that of a gentle breeze.
It teases me when I'm between sleep and awake.
It tortures me when I see them cry.
It leaves me hollow and angry in my moments of despair.
I scream at it only to hear silence echo back.
It makes me smile in quite moments of pondering.
What is it?
My memories of you.


Sunday, March 17, 2013

And I'll Survive, Paranoid. I Have Lost The Will To Change

     The title of this post was taken from the song I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin.

     We are almost at the two year anniversary of Mike's passing. I still get people who try to tell me how I'm supposed to be feeling or what I should be doing at this point in my life. People keep telling me I'm different or I need to be more like the old me. For awhile I tried to be more like who I used to be and then I realized that it simply wasn't who I was anymore. At this point in my life I am doing what is best for me and that looks nothing like the person I used to be...I'm more than okay with that.

Monday, March 4, 2013

No Time For Losers

The title of this post was taken from the song We Are The Champions by Queen.   

What is your dream job and why?

     Well, let's just say I love my job, as a special education teacher, and beyond that I'm not going to talk about my job. So, let's move on to something else.
   One of my favorite movies is A Knights Tale. I don't watch many movies a second or third time, but I've watched this one many times. My favorite lines from this movie are as follows: 

William: Oi sir, what are you doing?

Chaucer: Uh... trudging. You know, trudging?


Chaucer: To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.

I have days like this. Day's that I simply trudge through...okay that pretty much sums up today and with nothing profound to say I'm done writing.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Forever Trusting Who We Are

     The title of this post was taken from the song Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.

     Yea, I know I'm trying to get through that whole 30 day list I posted about awhile ago, but I'm not doing a very good job. I've been extremely tired lately. The next question on the list was this:
If you had three wishes what would you wish for?

     I could not control the eye-rolling when I read this. Really? How the heck am I supposed to answer that? Three I twelve? No, I refuse to wish for something that I have no control over making happen, and honestly I can't even go there. Think about it. What would you think I might wish for first? Are you thinking I would wish to have Mike back, and yes that seems like a logical wish. However, by doing that wouldn't I be putting the value of my past over the value of my future thus saying I wouldn't want my life with John if I could have my life with Mike? I can't do that. No amount of wishing will bring Mike back. Why would I torture myself with that? Do I miss him on a daily basis, sure I do. Do I hate that my kids don't have their dad around, sure I do. My life as a whole has value and I won't try to make one time in my life more valuable than any other. I'm not sure I make sense or that anyone else would agree. I can't bring him back and wishing or focusing on the what if's will not bring him back. I can't go there.
     Moving on I guess I could wish for money, but would I want to be handed something I hadn't worked for? Isn't that how I learned the value of a dollar, by working for it. I guess I could wish for world peace, a cure for cancer, or a billon other broad topic things. A better idea would be to set a goal to make things happen in my life rather than sitting around and wishing for things to happen. Isn't that the problem with society today? People have this sense of entitlement as if things should be handed to them because they wish for them to be. No thank you. Life is not a Disney movie and I don't believe in happily ever after