Wednesday, May 29, 2013

When All I Knew Was Steeped In Blackened Hopes

     The title of this post was taken from the song Below My Feet by Mumford and Sons.

     The other day I was getting Tyler up for school and I looked down to see her todo list for that day. I had to take a picture.

My favorite part is the very bottom where she has written "Have the Best Day EVER!" I couldn't help but smile and wipe away a tear. I am so grateful that given all she has been through she can still decide to have a positive attitude and make her day any way she chooses.
     This inspired me today. Today was the funeral for Mike's grandmother, my kids great grandmother. It was hard for a lot of reasons. There is a lot I am choosing not to focus on. Instead I'm going to go to bed tonight with a todo list on my nightstand, and at the bottom I'm simply going to write "Have the Best Day EVER!". Thank you Tyler for continuing to teach me.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

When The Days Are Cold And The Cards All Fold

     The title of this post was taken from the song Demons by Imagine Dragons.

     "Choose the best answer possible." This statement is usually found somewhere in the directions for any standardized or multiple choice test. I loathe multiple choice tests and I always have. In elementary school I remember taking standardized tests, you know the old fashioned ones with the scantron sheets. They look something like this.

I was the child that would make pretty designs with her dots on the scantron sheet, or I'd see if I could make a picture. I couldn't have cared less about the test. I just wanted my sheet to look cool. Most multiple choice tests now have two answers that are technically correct, but one answer is better than the other. As an adult and college student I always over think things. I go back and forth analyzing every word in the question and possible answers and then I do what the test asks, I try to pick the best answer. Once I get my test back I always go over what I missed and I go through why I missed it.
     As an adult I analyze my life as if it were a multiple choice question. I plan and do something, that in the moment seems correct, and then when I go back and look over a situation I usually see what I could have done differently to get a better outcome. I almost always find a different and better way I could have done something and then I get really down on myself. I get upset that I didn't do things the best way possible the first time. Growing up my dad often told me that practice didn't make perfect, instead perfect practice makes perfect. Meaning do things right the first time. Thing is I'm not perfect and hind sight is 20/20 so I get angry that I can't always do things right the first time. Ultimately I feel like I fail in most areas of my life, rationally I know this isn't true but my self talk says it is. I know that there is always room for improvement and while that's a nice way of saying I'll always try harder to be my best, I never achieve what I feel is good enough.
     I don't know where I'm going with this. I just know that today, in this moment, I'm analyzing things and I see areas I need to improve upon. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

And The Air Outside So Soft, Confessing Everything

    The title of this post was taken from the song All I Want by Toad The Wet Sprocket.

       It's Mother's Day again. It's been a pretty normal Sunday around here. I got up with the kids and we all went to church. The kids made Mother's Day cards and Tyler and Mason painted me necklaces. I came home and took a long nap and I'm enjoying the peace and quiet for a bit. I saw my mom this morning and gave her cards from us and the kids. I love my mom so very much. I have a little secret that I've been keeping to myself and I think maybe today would be a good time to share. 

I'm pregnant. 

I'm 17 weeks and due on October 20.

I'm going to go ahead and answer a few of the questions I've already had to answer. I have found that those who know have had varying degrees of reactions. Someone even said "You know this makes your fourth child right?" What I wanted to say was "Really?! Where did I leave the other three?!" So, here are my answers.

 Yes, I'm excited.

Yes, I understand this makes my fourth child and yes, we did plan it. 

Yes, I did take into consideration how this will make the other children feel.

Yes, the kids are happy. 

Yes, I plan on continuing my college classes and working full time after the baby comes.

     Okay, so being pregnant is totally my excuse for not blogging lately. Seriously most days it's all I can do to stay awake until 8:30. I'm exhausted. It's not just being pregnant it's all the added stress I manage to give myself. I also felt a little guilty keeping this little secret off my blog but, just like when I got married, I knew there would be mixed reactions and I wasn't ready to defend my choice to have another child. 

*** I keep reading and rereading this and it seems so cynical to me. I've been trying to find a way to make it not sound so cynical or...I don't know maybe I just feel cynical inside now because so many people have passed judgement on me without knowing what I've been through in any just doesn't seem right. I'm ecstatic about this child and I can't wait to meet him/her. This is part of the new chapter I'm writing in my life. I guess I feel the need to always be proactive in defending my decisions and I'm tired. So, if you feel the need to judge where I am in my life then please just walk away. I'm an intelligent and loving wife and mother. I can make my own decisions and be happy with them. I'm hard enough on myself when I don't measure up to my expectations; I don't need more judgement from others.