Wednesday, November 6, 2013

But At Night When The House Is Dark

The title of this post was taken from the song Creepy Doll by Jonathan Coulton.

     I am delusional... let's just throw it out right from the start. I had plans for my maternity leave. I knew I was having a c-section, but I had planned on being up and moving within days. I had planned on John going back to work and me being superwoman...that is...if superwoman wore PJ's and shirts with baby puke on them. I was going to keep the house clean, cook dinner every night, spend extra time with the kids, work on some of those Pinterest projects I've been dying to try, start my new ABA class, get in some supervision hours for class, and, on top of all of this, baby Jaxon was going to be the best cared for baby ever. Are you laughing yet? Clearly, I'm delusional. What I had not counted on was a long recovery. (Ain't no one got time for that mess) I need this recovery over with.
     I quickly learned that having a c-section was no laughing matter and who can laugh, cough, or sneeze without immense pain after having their abdomen sliced open 4-5 inches. I learned the hard way that I needed help. UGH! The dreaded H word! My LEAST favorite 4-letter word. I have had to depend on John to take over when I can't take another step. I've had to ask for h*** when I can't hold my eyes open one more minute. I cried from pain after I attempted to pull weeds from the flowerbed. John did an I told you so dance after that and I realized I should have listened and taken it easy.
     Jaxon is 3 weeks old now and I'm still in denial about how long this recovery process is going to take. I am taking my ABA class and managing to stay on top of that or at least not fall too far behind. When I do manage to clean house, I pay for it with pain later so I get the bare minimum done on a daily basis. I have cooked dinner a few times but not the amazing meals I had planned on. I have yet to start my supervision hours and I'm not sure when I'll be ready to. Every morning or night I make a to-do list. I tell myself that today is going to be better. I'm going to feel better and I'm going to accomplish something. At the end of every day I look at my list and shake my head in disgust at the lack of things I actually managed to accomplish.
     I know I should just be enjoying this time off and taking it easy but that has proven to be much more difficult than I had ever imagined. I just want to physically be able to do whatever I want/need to do whenever I want to do it. For heaven's sake! When did getting in and out of the car become a process?! I feel like a little old lady as I use my step stool to get into bed each night. Can someone just stamp a big L on my forehead and we shall call it a day?...


Karmatux said...

It will get better! Thank goodness you have a loving husband willing to help as needed. It takes a while to heal. You are fabulous and don't sweat the small stuff. Kids can help run a load or sweep a floor. Allow yourself time to rest. You are fabulous!

Melanie said...

I am lucky indeed :)