Thursday, November 7, 2013

Gray Would Be The Color If I Had A Heart

    The title of this post is from the song Something I Can Never Have by NIN.

      Gray is the color for today. I watch out the kitchen window as a little squirrel runs around our yard. I'm immediately grateful that I'm inside my warm and toasty home and not out there in the cold drizzling rain. I hold my steamy cup of hot chocolate so that the heat warms my hands. I'm always cold. In this rare quiet moment I contemplate how I arrived at this exact place in my life.
     Often times, I can't make sense of the direction my life has taken and, most times, it seems surreal. Regardless of the fragmented events that have propelled me to this exact point in time, I'm content in this particular moment. I want to grab hold of these feelings and never let them go. If only everyday, every minute could be filled with such contentment. I wish I could make this moment last.
     I look over and see my to-do list sitting on the counter; a list that I know I won't come close to finishing today. I set my mug down and pick up the list, "It's just stuff Melanie. It's just stuff." I reiterate this over and over again. Finally I fold the paper in half and rip it into tiny pieces. For the next few minutes I'm just going to be okay with me the way I am right now.

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