Friday, February 28, 2014

I Can Feel It Crawl Beneath My Skin

     The title of this post was taken from the song Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin.

     The album Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin came out September of 2009. I don't remember exactly when Mike bought this particular album but I remember him listening to it a lot. He really liked the song Dear Agony. He would play this album in the car and when he was at home. As a result, I started to really like their music. One day, he came home from work while I was playing this particular song as I cleaned house. He got really angry with me. He told me that this song meant something specific to him; that he wasn't ready to share it with me. As a result, he asked that I leave this album alone. He asked me just let it be his. This was really weird behavior for him because we had always shared all of our music but whatever I let it go and didn't think much more about it. 
     The CD player in Mike's car went out several times before he passed away. He had it replaced each time. About a month after he died, I put in a CD. Again the player failed it wouldn't play. It also wouldn't let me eject the disc. It has sucked but, for the last almost three years, I've just been able to use the radio in his car. We often end up just listening to music from my phone. Anyway, today John installed a new CD player for me :) it lets me run my music through the bluetooth feature on my phone. I am one happy camper! Sebastian got in the car after soccer practice today. He started pushing all the buttons and checking out what the new stereo would do. He pulls out some of the CDs that Mike had in the car when he died. 


"Mom?! Where did you get this Breaking Benjamin CD?"

"It was your dad's."

"You have some of these songs on your phone and I have a few on my iPod. Can I put it in?"

"Sure sweetie."

He puts the CD in...the song Dear Agony fills the car. I took a deep breathe and forced myself to not think to much about it...but then Sebastian started to sing:

"I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore"


He knew every word...every...single...word. Not only does he look like his dad, and have many of his mannerisms, he also sounds a bit like his dad. Listening to him sing this song the same way Mike did almost sent me over the edge. He sings songs that Mike liked all the time and it doesn't bother me but this song was different. I didn't even know he liked this band much less knew the words to this song. It was very surreal. After he listened to several of their songs he played So Far Away by Staind which is another one with a very personal meaning for me but yet again he knew every word. Just hard to deal with unexpected stuff like this especially when I still don't know what this song meant for Mike. He never let me in on that and now I am left to guess at why this particular song spoke to him.

I can feel the sudden shock of this unexpected moment crawl beneath my skin...

No comments: