Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I've Lived A Dozen Lifetimes In Twenty Some Odd Years

     The title of this post was taken from the song Pain of a Troubled Life by Alison Krauss.

     Sometimes I obsess over things. The other night it happened to be Mike's external hard drive. I haven't thought much about it and I had no desire to do anything with it until Saturday night. We were all cleaning house so that we could watch TV together before bed and I was on the hunt for the stupid cords to his hard drive. I couldn't find them anywhere. John patiently helped me go through a box of old cords I had but none of them fit. Then as the kids are waiting for me to stop obsessing, so we could move on with our night, John helped me order new cords. Three years and three months and I haven't cared what might be stored on it but Saturday it became an obsession.
     The cords came today. I plugged it in and attached the USB cable and pulled up the files. I remember that Mike had said he was going to put movies on it and thats what I expected to find but I was wrong. There was a ton of music, some audiobooks, and pictures. As I started going through things I found some pictures from a time in our marriage that wasn't the best. I became very emotional and very angry all at the same time. I directed my anger at Mike because hey he's the one who put the files on the stupid hard drive to begin with. I tried to delete them but it wouldn't work. I used my limited technology skills and downloaded the correct programs but I still couldn't delete them. In a fury of tears I texted John.

"I got the cords for Mike's external hard drive and it's mostly music and audiobooks on here. There are some pictures, one in particular, that I need deleted but the driver isn't formatted for my Mac and it won't let me...It's making me crazy emotional because I remember...I just want it gone. Can you look at it some time tonight."

John: "Sure"

Me: "I'm going to take the kids to the store for a bit. I need to get out of this house. Screw this."

John: "I'm sorry honey. If I knew that was a possibility, I would have looked at it first."

Me: "I just didn't even think about it. We can talk about it later. I'm sorry."

    We talked a bit more and now I'm patiently waiting for him to get home from work. It is very easy for me to look back at my marriage with Mike through rose colored glasses, but sometimes something triggers the memories of all the not so great moments we had. I've posted about our struggles before and how we were in counseling, but I often try not to think of those things and just focus on the positive things...but that's not reality. That is not what our marriage always was. Today reminded me of that. Maybe I'm angry that things weren't as perfect as I like to remember. Maybe I'm angry because after three years I would like to not be smacked in the face with surprise memories. Maybe...I'm just angry.

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