The title of this post was taken from the song Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer.
This morning, as I was getting Jaxon ready for church and then snuggling with him on the couch, I couldn't help but smile and cry at the same time. I love this boy so very much. He has brought so much joy to our lives.
When I have moments like this, I can't help but think about what I lost with this gain. If Mike were still here, I'm assuming we would still be married. I wouldn't have met John. We wouldn't have Jaxon but I'd still have Mike and the older kids would still have their Dad. Likewise, I think about all John went through to end up with our family at this very moment. He went through a tough divorce that completely destroyed him. He had to rebuild himself, reevaluate all of his life choices, pick up what pieces were left, and try to move on. While, at the time, I feel like it's not something he would have chosen, if he had not gone through that, he wouldn't have met us. Which means he may not have had the opportunity to experience being a father. It's still a bit crazy that this is where my life is now. I think, at times, John feels the same way. In these moments, I have to chalk it up to the circle of life and remind myself that I didn't choose this future for myself, but I AM choosing to make it my own.
On another note, do you guys use the Timehop app? It shows you day by day your old posts from Facebook; you can even re-share them if you want. I freaking love this app! I like seeing where and what I was doing in my life years ago. This week the following popped up.
I remember taking these pictures outside at our old house. I love these pictures. It's hard to believe they were taken six years ago.
This was from the morning after Sebastian's freak accident.
I was so happy to bring him home.
This was from one year ago.
It's almost to hard for me to wrap my mind around how much things have changed. I've said it so many times but I'm so different from the person I was before Mike passed away. I'm broken and damaged and all I can do is try to put the pieces back together little by little. I'm grateful to have someone in my life that loves me and all my broken pieces. I know Mike is happy for me...he's happy for all of us. We are anxiously awaiting Blake's arrival at the end of January. I'm still amazed at how lucky I am to call these children my own.