The title of this post was taken from the song On My Way Home by Enya.
I don't have the biggest house and it does not look like anything that would come out of a magazine. We have a list of projects from when we moved in that we still haven't been able to accomplish because they require time and money we just don't have. Honestly, none of that matters. None of that is important. Ten years from now my kids aren't going to remember what color the bathroom walls were or whether or not the bathroom towels matched. They are going to remember the wrestling matches we had, the board games we played, the movies we watched, and the laughs we shared. So, I try really hard not to stress out to much about all the things I'd like to do that just don't get accomplished. I also think about the home I grew up in. We had the same carpet in most of the house until well after the kids were gone and my parents could finally afford to remodel. My parents just made due with what they had because they were to busy raising four kids and securing their futures.
I'm pretty hard on myself though and I often look at all the things left undone at the end of the day and wonder what the heck is wrong with me. Sweeping our hard wood floors doesn't get done every night because after a long day at work I have to fix dinner and then cart kids wherever they need to go that night. I often go to bed overlooking the toys on the floor because picking them up just takes a little more energy than I have. During these moments I can get really angry for not being the supermom that I want to be. Then I have to remember that I have nights like Saturday night, nights that Jaxon is awake for several hours and then refuses to sleep unless I'm holding him. Granted that doesn't happen often, but he has a cold and he would not sleep in his crib. So, I held him from four in the morning until he woke up at eight and of course I didn't sleep. That was just in time for us to get ready for church. There are nights that I have to stay up later than I wanted to because the kids have projects due that didn't get started until the last minute. Two weeks ago Mason had a diorama due for science and so we stayed up late working on that. The following week Tyler had to make a plant cell and label the different parts. We made brownies and then used candy for the different parts. Then there was the night that Sebastian had to finish a powerpoint for English, a powerpoint based on a book that he put off reading until the last minute. Or the other morning when I had thirty minutes left before I walked out the door and Sebastian says "Hey mom, do you know how to cite sources? I need to cite these three sources for school today." so we did. I put those things ahead of the house and most of the time ahead of my own needs.
The other day I took the kids for haircuts because we had family pictures taken this weekend. At the last minute I decided to get my hair trimmed. I told the lady to just trim the dead ends and we would call it a night. She looked at the kids and then back to me and said "It's been awhile since your last cut, huh." It had been. I can't even remember the last time I got it trimmed. A year ago? I told her the kids always seem to come first and I can't always afford to do stuff for myself. She laughed and said she understood. She had four kids of her own. I told her usually my hair gets pulled into a ponytail because I'm so busy helping the kids get ready for the day and I just don't have the time to focus on me.
I get that I need to do more for myself and maybe even slow down a bit but I look at my kids and their accomplishments and it makes the sacrifices worth it. Sebastian tried out for the barbershop quartet at school and made it. Tyler has all of her scales and music memorized for her all area band tryouts this week. Mason, despite his not so great teachers, is making good grades at school and is ready to start basketball. When I see them excelling at and growing their talents it makes all I do worth it. I did tell John the other day that once all the kids were grown it was going to be really hard on me. I've had children at home since I was barely 20 years old. I don't know what I'll do when they all start their own lives and move away. I panic a little when I think about that. I guess I should start focusing on myself a bit more so I'm not totally lost when that happens. Until then I'll try not to let the little things bother me and know that despite how insane our house and lives look we have a good life filled with adventures.