Saturday, February 28, 2015

When I Was Young I Knew Everything

The title of this post was taken from the song The Freshman by The Verve Pipe.

     I'm feeling lost this morning. I struggle so much with knowing who I am as a person. My goal this year was to figure that out, to just focus on me for a bit. I'm finding that to be increasingly difficult because I am so devoted to everything that has to do with my kids. Maybe this is sleep deprivation at it's finest. I still feel so broken and the only constant in my life are the needs of my kids. I can totally count on them needing to be driven to their practices, needing to eat, needing help with homework, needing forms filled out, needing to go to doctors appointments, and a thousand other things. I can count on those things, they are ever present. When it comes to taking care of me or living life beyond them, well that's when I struggle. I have moments though, early morning moments, when I have all the time in the world to think about my life and I can't help but wonder, is this it? Don't get me wrong I love my life, but is this it? I feel this lack of connection with myself. I feel like every day is a rat race and I've lost track of me while running it. I'm not making much sense. I used to have passions of my own. I did things because they were fun and I enjoyed them. I don't have those things now and as much as I tell myself I'm going to recapture that part of me, I don't. There isn't time for me. At the start of the year I tried to do at least one thing a day that was just for me. Do you know what I found? I couldn't even come up with one thing that I could do for myself because I have no idea what I would do. I don't know what that would look like. Ultimately I would organize or clean something that had been neglected and I would try to convince myself that this was something I did for myself. What?! Since when has cleaning house become my "me" time.  Like I said maybe it's sleep deprivation or maybe I just over think things, but I really just want to connect with who I am at the core...but I'm not sure who that is anymore.

From a time in my life when I adamantly fought for who I was and what I wanted. 
Where did she go?

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Remember When I Broke You Down To Tears

The title of this post was taken from the song I Bet My Life by Imagine Dragons.     

     Today was not the best day ever. In fact, it was far from it. Tyler had a doctors appointment this morning for a check up. They ran some tests and found glucose in her urine so she had to have blood work done to check her blood sugar. We are waiting for those test results. While we were at the doctor, I noticed that Blake had white crusty looking stuff on his tongue so I had the doctor look at him as well. Turns out he has thrush. As the doctor checked him over, she noticed that he had a heart murmur and is having him sent for an echocardiogram. Several weeks ago, Sebastian had a sports physical. Due to family history of heart disease, the doctor sent him for an EKG and an echocardiogram. I got the results while at the doctors office today. His EKG showed his heart rate was lower than normal but he's an athlete so its understandable. His echo showed he has a bicuspid aortic valve. Instead of having three leaflets his only has two. The valve opens and closes properly so there are no major issues there but this does warrant a trip to a cardiologist for further evaluation. I was a bit overwhelmed by the time we left. Let's add to this one very angry teenager who is in trouble because he doesn't want to follow my rules and then gets mad when there are consequences. Love Sebastian beyond anything possible and so when he gets angry with me it's hard to handle. I should take this time to apologize for all the times I said mean things to my mom and dad. I hate to think of the pain I must have caused them as a teenager. Let's add to this day a couple of mean and sarcastic comments directed my way by people I don't care about. I let them bother me way more than I should have. I'm ready to curl up in a dark room and listen to music. The end.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Open Your Heart And Push The Limits

The title of this post was taken from the song Push the Limits by Enigma.

January 26, 2015 at 3:32 pm Blake Edward Mullineaux was born. He weighed 7 lbs 7 oz and was 19.5 inches long. He is beautiful! I had a c-section with him and this was my choice. I had to have one with Jaxon and I opted for a repeat this time around. The only complication was that my spinal didn't take and so they had to put me under for the surgery. I didn't get to hear his first cry and I had to spend four hours afterwards in recovery. The worst part was that John couldn't be in there with me for the surgery. They did allow him to come into the operating room to give me a kiss before they started. I was determined not to cry but a single tear managed to escape and roll down my cheek. When John came in he gently wiped it away, gave me a kiss, and reassured me it would all be okay. They put the mask on my face and told me to take several deep breaths, and as they did I thought to myself "I'm going to fight this and see just how long I can stay awake before the meds knock me out." I started counting and I made it to three :) 

Recovery from the c-section itself has been so much easier than the last time and thank heavens because ain't no one got time for that. Blake is adorable and I'm so happy to have him as part of our family. I am absolutely totally exhausted 98% of the time. In fact according to the sleep tracker on my Fitbit I average between 2 and 1/2 to 3 hours of sleep a night. I'm exhausted and it shows but I love my family and I wouldn't trade any of this for anything. So here are some pictures from the last few weeks. Oh! I forgot to mention that my parents came in from their mission in Kansas for two weeks meet Blake and spend some time with the family. It was amazing having them here. I am beyond grateful for all that they do for me and everyone else around them. Both of my parents ran themselves crazy helping and doing for us and others. I wish I could be more like them. They left yesterday to go back to Kansas and I miss them so very much already. The kids really miss them too. Mom came over every morning she was here and helped get the kids off to school. They usually eat cereal for breakfast but mom fixed them eggs and french toast most mornings. Sebastian kindly asked if I would start doing that for them, and I laughed at him. Anyway, okay here's some pictures.

Me two days before delivery

My precious Blake.

Mommy and baby

Blake sporting his Little Brother outfit that Aunt Mandaly bought him.

Dear heavens Jaxon seems huge compared to him!

My Mom and Dad!!! The kids were so excited!

Say what?!
He makes the funniest faces!

The outfit he is wearing has now been worn by all four of my boys. Having things that they all share makes my heart happy.

One tired momma and one very handsome young man.

Our family dinner before mom and dad left. Mandaly and Mikie aren't in the picture because she wasn't feeling well :(