Saturday, February 28, 2015

When I Was Young I Knew Everything

The title of this post was taken from the song The Freshman by The Verve Pipe.

     I'm feeling lost this morning. I struggle so much with knowing who I am as a person. My goal this year was to figure that out, to just focus on me for a bit. I'm finding that to be increasingly difficult because I am so devoted to everything that has to do with my kids. Maybe this is sleep deprivation at it's finest. I still feel so broken and the only constant in my life are the needs of my kids. I can totally count on them needing to be driven to their practices, needing to eat, needing help with homework, needing forms filled out, needing to go to doctors appointments, and a thousand other things. I can count on those things, they are ever present. When it comes to taking care of me or living life beyond them, well that's when I struggle. I have moments though, early morning moments, when I have all the time in the world to think about my life and I can't help but wonder, is this it? Don't get me wrong I love my life, but is this it? I feel this lack of connection with myself. I feel like every day is a rat race and I've lost track of me while running it. I'm not making much sense. I used to have passions of my own. I did things because they were fun and I enjoyed them. I don't have those things now and as much as I tell myself I'm going to recapture that part of me, I don't. There isn't time for me. At the start of the year I tried to do at least one thing a day that was just for me. Do you know what I found? I couldn't even come up with one thing that I could do for myself because I have no idea what I would do. I don't know what that would look like. Ultimately I would organize or clean something that had been neglected and I would try to convince myself that this was something I did for myself. What?! Since when has cleaning house become my "me" time.  Like I said maybe it's sleep deprivation or maybe I just over think things, but I really just want to connect with who I am at the core...but I'm not sure who that is anymore.

From a time in my life when I adamantly fought for who I was and what I wanted. 
Where did she go?

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I struggled with this a few years ago. It took me a long time to pick things up and remember what made me who I was. Some things I had to let go of because they just weren't important or interesting to me anymore. I also found new things. I just kept working at it. And I think, to start, every day is asking a lot from yourself. Try to, once a week maybe, just find a quiet five minutes to think or write or meditate or whatever and work to try to reconnect with you. You'll find the right path. If not, try some new things. You might find something you like! :)