The title of this post was taken from the song The Freshman by The Verve Pipe.
I'm feeling lost this morning. I struggle so much with knowing who I am as a person. My goal this year was to figure that out, to just focus on me for a bit. I'm finding that to be increasingly difficult because I am so devoted to everything that has to do with my kids. Maybe this is sleep deprivation at it's finest. I still feel so broken and the only constant in my life are the needs of my kids. I can totally count on them needing to be driven to their practices, needing to eat, needing help with homework, needing forms filled out, needing to go to doctors appointments, and a thousand other things. I can count on those things, they are ever present. When it comes to taking care of me or living life beyond them, well that's when I struggle. I have moments though, early morning moments, when I have all the time in the world to think about my life and I can't help but wonder, is this it? Don't get me wrong I love my life, but is this it? I feel this lack of connection with myself. I feel like every day is a rat race and I've lost track of me while running it. I'm not making much sense. I used to have passions of my own. I did things because they were fun and I enjoyed them. I don't have those things now and as much as I tell myself I'm going to recapture that part of me, I don't. There isn't time for me. At the start of the year I tried to do at least one thing a day that was just for me. Do you know what I found? I couldn't even come up with one thing that I could do for myself because I have no idea what I would do. I don't know what that would look like. Ultimately I would organize or clean something that had been neglected and I would try to convince myself that this was something I did for myself. What?! Since when has cleaning house become my "me" time. Like I said maybe it's sleep deprivation or maybe I just over think things, but I really just want to connect with who I am at the core...but I'm not sure who that is anymore.
From a time in my life when I adamantly fought for who I was and what I wanted.
Where did she go?