Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Make A Wish As You Close Your Eyes

     The title of this post was taken from the song Gone Too Soon by Chris Daughtry.

     I've been feeling a bit down and overwhelmed this last week. April is quickly approaching and with that comes the anniversary of Mike's passing. I just don't want to think about it. I think of him every day and he is always with me, but this time of year forces me to think about the day he died and I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to remember that day. I don't want to replay those memories. I have this crazy overwhelming need to do something on the 14th. I can't just sit around the house with Blake. I don't want time alone with my thoughts. I don't want to distract myself with housework or mundane tasks. I just don't want to freaking think about it at all! I don't know what to do, and maybe that's my problem. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with people. I just want to turn it all off for a day. I just want one day, one day when I'm not reminded that he's gone. I just want one moment when I'm not haunted by all I've lost while at the same time trying to rebuild my life. I just don't want to feel.
     I was thinking the other day about how much I would love one last conversation with Mike. Our marriage wasn't perfect and we both had faults, but I desperately want to tell him how sorry I am for anything and everything I ever did to cause him pain. I want him to know how I replay those bitter moments over and over again and how I torture myself for not always being patient and understanding with him. Oh how easy it is to remember all the hard times and all the things I should have done. It's so much harder to remember all the things I did right. I just want him to hold me in his arms and tell me it's okay. I like to believe he is watching over us and there are times when I swear I feel him close by, but sometimes that's not good enough. I want more than that...I want more than I'll ever get and that leaves me feeling pretty empty some days.

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