The title of this post was taken from the song What Do You Want From Me by Adam Lambert.
There have been some moments of agonizing grief. For Father's Day we visited the cemetery and Tyler sat by Mike's grave and just cried. She asked for some quiet time to just talk to him. I watched as my baby girl poured her soul out to him and then just sit there because he wouldn't be answering her. A few days ago Mason told me one time he put his hands around his neck and tried to choke himself hard enough that he would stop breathing. He couldn't tell me how long ago this was but it was sometime after Mike passed away. Can you picture the pure devastation on my face as the horror of his words hit me. How could I not have known about this? That made me feel like an utter and complete failure as his mother. Or how about the day I curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and cried until I couldn't catch my breath. That particular day I had picked Sebastian up from his camping trip and he excitedly showed me all the pictures of spiders he had taken. It was like listening to Mike and the grief hit me like a wave. Then there was Tyler's 7th grade graduation. I cried for many many reasons but couldn't hold it in when she received an Art Superlative Award. Her dad would be so proud and no matter how much I tell her that it's just not the same.
It's hard. It will always be hard. There are moments of pure joy and happiness and then we have times when I feel like we are free falling into misery. I need to do a better job of recording all of it. Someday I would like to think the kids will find value in what I write.