Tuesday, June 23, 2015

I Wouldn't Even Try

     The title of this post was taken from the song What Do You Want From Me by Adam Lambert.

     I write blog posts in my head all the time. I know what I would say if I just sat down to write it, but then the day comes to an end and I'm just so tired. All I can think about is sleep. I feel like my days play in a constant loop. There are things I should write about though. Moments in our lives that I've failed to capture. I should write about the end of the school year and how Sebastian, Tyler and Mason all made the A/B honor roll for the year. Sebastian is completing a Governors School Program this summer and earning college credits. He just got his learners permit. Tyler made the JV Cheerleading team and will be in high school next year as an 8th grader. Mason survived a horrible school year and is looking forward to switching schools next year. Jaxon is talking a lot and never fails to make me smile. Blake has started rolling over and can no longer stand being confined to his bouncer seat. I ended my 8th year teaching as a special education teacher. The end of the school year brought about some challenges for me but I'm looking ahead and planning for the new year.
     There have been some moments of agonizing grief. For Father's Day we visited the cemetery and Tyler sat by Mike's grave and just cried. She asked for some quiet time to just talk to him. I watched as my baby girl poured her soul out to him and then just sit there because he wouldn't be answering her. A few days ago Mason told me one time he put his hands around his neck and tried to choke himself hard enough that he would stop breathing. He couldn't tell me how long ago this was but it was sometime after Mike passed away. Can you picture the pure devastation on my face as the horror of his words hit me. How could I not have known about this? That made me feel like an utter and complete failure as his mother. Or how about the day I curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and cried until I couldn't catch my breath. That particular day I had picked Sebastian up from his camping trip and he excitedly showed me all the pictures of spiders he had taken. It was like listening to Mike and the grief hit me like a wave. Then there was Tyler's 7th grade graduation. I cried for many many reasons but couldn't hold it in when she received an Art Superlative Award. Her dad would be so proud and no matter how much I tell her that it's just not the same. 
     It's hard. It will always be hard. There are moments of pure joy and happiness and then we have times when I feel like we are free falling into misery. I need to do a better job of recording all of it. Someday I would like to think the kids will find value in what I write.

1 comment:

Karmatux said...

You are so beautiful inside and out. Even the strongest people have days when they need a break. Just a break. You are doing a good job. Mike would be so proud of who you are helping the kids to become.