Sunday, February 21, 2016

The Honeybee, The Sting, The Little Girl With Wings

     The title of this post was taken from the song It takes a lot to know a man by Damien Rice.

     These past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Mom and dad came home early. Mom felt she needed to be home to be with the family and so home they came. I am crazy excited to have them home and so are the kids. There was a lot of prep work to make sure their house was clean and ready for them, and then a lot of other stuff going on at the same time. Now that they are here I feel like I can relax a bit. 
     These last few weeks I've been able to focus on my family and what I need to do for myself. A friend, Karma, and I have been walking after school. We have such a good time just talking and laughing. It's been good for me in a lot of ways. I'm even debating taking a spinning class at the Y. I've created a study schedule for my exam. I take the BCBA exam in May and I've struggled with finding a way to study that works for me. This past week I figured it out and I've been studying for several hours everyday. John has been a huge help in keeping the kids entertained while I try to focus. We filed our taxes and have plans for our tax return that will allow us to pay down some debt and work on some household projects that really need to be taken care of. Things are slowly coming together.  
     I'm extremely proud of my parents and all the hard work they did while on their mission in Kansas. I know they made a difference to a lot of people, and I couldn't be more happy that they were able to have that experience. I'm just glad they are home. I knew how much I missed them, but I didn't know what a relief it would be to have them home. I may be 36 but in the end I am just a girl who needs her parents.




1 comment:

tccomments2013 said...

Dear Melanie,

I have read your blog from beginning to today. I am so impressed with how beautifully expressive your writing is. I am so very sorry for you and your family having to bear the awful weight of the death of Mike. Your authenticity shines through all the words of your story - the raw candor, all of the desperation of seeking out what triggers your grief, and the truth of being Mike's widow forever, while the joy of new love (and the 2 babies you and John created!) and the blessing of family takes hold of you in it's warm embrace, savor it, live it, breath it. Sharing your journey has given me hope - hope that one day I will know who I am, and have a happy and productive life.

My husband died nearly 3 years ago. Just after his 2nd stem cell transplant I was diagnosed with St IV metastatic breast cancer. We cared for one another, and became even more deeply in love - and then in a matter of months when our treatments were completed, we had all the scans and tests and we BOTH were NED (no evidence of disease = both of us were in a robust remission.) so we grabbed onto our reinvented life and lived with such joy and gusto. then about 10 mos. later I found my Love next to me in bed, with no pulse, no respiration. He was admitted to the neurology ICU, and as we looked at the monitors we could see his brain was being assaulted by multiple seizures - he was taken off life support the next day and pronounced dead. I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, my always Knight in Shining Armor, my confidant, my PERSON and my own life was taken along with his death. 6 weeks after he died, I was diagnosed with metastatic cervical cancer, and I was alone as I went through the grueling horrors of surgery, external radiation, internal vaginal radiation, then chemo. Our story had much more than I have written. but suffice it to say that my grief has been "complicated" with PTSD, panic attacks, and from time to time, just wanting to die. Thankfully I am in remission with both cancers - I don't think of that very often as widowhood is so all consuming. I just want you to know that reading your blog has helped me, has given me hope that I can move forward, that there is so much to be grateful for, and that I am not alone as I question many of the same things you question. Thank you, Melanie - I hope that it is also helping you - having a safe place to land is such a blessing! Sending you much Love, Karen Sutherland