The title of this post was taken from the song Hurt by Nine Inch Nails.
The other morning Jaxon was eating an orange for breakfast and he looked at me and said "Mommy! This is delicious!" These are the moments that make me feel like I'm a pretty dang good mom. Sometimes I cling to those moments to get me through the rough ones. Sebastian is mad at me right now because his grades dropped and I've grounded him until he pulls them up. He thinks I'm being hard on him. Maybe I am. Maybe I stress the importance of getting a good education way to much. Is that even possible though? If I knew he were giving his best I would have let it slide, but I feel like he's slacking off a bit. Is this stuff he will one day discuss while in therapy?
I haven't been sleeping well. I had a dream about Mike the other night. I don't dream of him often. Maybe my subconscious knows I can't handle it. In this dream we were talking about the kids. I was catching him up on all the things they were doing and telling him about Jaxon and Blake. I don't know why but I woke up in a panic. This next month will be hard. The weeks leading up to the anniversary of his passing are always hard. I start to think about all the "lasts". I think about all the things we didn't do or didn't say. I drive myself nuts trying to just be in the present for my kids and not drag them down with my crazy. Sometimes I just don't want to think anymore.