Saturday, December 24, 2016

You Touched My Heart You Touched My Soul. You Changed My Life And All My Goals.

    The title of this post was taken from the song Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt.

      I think about Mike everyday, but this last week I've thought about him in almost everything I do. Mike hated being wasteful. I remember us wrapping Christmas presents together and he would constantly get on me about how much tape I used. He'd seen a documentary on gift wrapping and how if you wrapped a gift perfectly it could be done using one piece of tape. I always called bull hockey. I like using a lot of tape. This week every piece of tape I placed on a gift kept him in the forefront of my mind. He would also organize things so that they would take up the least amount of space, including trash. As I organized our recycling, I broke down boxes and put boxes inside of boxes so that it took up the least amount of room. He would have been proud. In December 2009 I graduated with my second Masters degree. Mike threw a party for me. He was so glad I was done with school because it consumed so much of my time. He was not amused when I joked about going back to school. Nine years later he's gone and I passed my BCBA exam. I had a panic attack the other day, because I just can't fathom not being in school. My self worth is so tied to my education that I can't imagine not formally working towards some kind of educational goal. I can picture Mike rolling his eyes.
      It's Christmas Eve and I've also obsessed about not having enough gifts for the kids to open tomorrow. I do this every year, and every year I yell at myself for giving in and thinking that it's the gifts that make Christmas important. Yesterday my family got together. It was incredibly crazy and my house isn't nearly big enough to hold everyone, but we had such a good time. Dad brought a Christmas movie for us to watch and it was just what I needed to remind me of the true meaning of Christmas. I'm so grateful for the memories I have to cherish and the future I have to look forward to. I'm really looking forward to watching It's A Wonderful Life tonight as we finish wrapping gifts. I'm looking forward to going to church in the morning and listening to Sebastian and Tyler sing with the church choir. Merry Christmas.

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