Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Tearing Off Pieces Of Myself Just For The Time It Buys Me

The title of this post was taken from the song When You Go by Jonathan  Coulton     

On December 31, 2010 Mike made the following Facebook post.

"These are your last hours of this year. Are they gonna waste or will you do something worthwhile with them? Think about it."

When I saw that on New Years Eve I lost it. I had already been struggling through the Holiday break and this had me balled up on the bathroom floor unable to do anything but cry. His words made me think about not just that night, but the years to come. In my head I changed his words just a little..."These are the best years of your life. Are they gonna waste or will you do something worthwhile with them? Think about it." While I've accomplished a lot in my life and I have a lot to be thankful for I still feel incomplete. What the heck am I doing and who the heck am I? I didn't make any New Year's resolutions, but I started some new habits that happen to coincide with the start of a new year. I started reading the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. I work so hard at being who I think I need to be rather than who I am. I've traded my authentic self for approval of those around me. Anyway, I'm working on me. 
     Here are some of my favorite pictures from the last several weeks.

Me and my littles. 
This wasn't a good day, but it was a good moment. I captured a moment with an actual smile and only trace amounts of anxiety. 

Sebastian will make an incredible father one day. I love watching them run up to him and call him by name. The little boys struggle to say Sebastian so it always sounds like "mashun". 

Jaxon and Mason playing together. I love these moments. All to often I find myself reminding Mason that he is 10 and Jaxon is 3 and we don't treat our brothers like that, sigh. This makes those moments worth it.

Blake loves this hat. It's now missing an eye and the nose, but he wears it all the time.

Our baby sitter quit on us unexpectedly just before Christmas break. There was a disagreement about some of the things involving the kids and she quit. At the time I was hurt and very angry, but everything worked out and this picture is the outcome of everything. Jaxon is now in the preschool program at the Y, which is at the school I teach in. He comes to school with me and I pick him up right after school. On this day He played on an iPad while I got some work done. I am so glad I get to see him a little more. Blake is spending his days with my mom and they are both loving it!

There's that hat again. He liked being outside with us but he did not like getting snow on his shoes or his hands :)

We all went sledding at Megan's house and the kids had so much fun! I'll admit that it took a lot to talk myself into getting five kids and myself bundled up and out the door into the cold. I'm so glad we went because we made memories.

All five kiddos checking out the hill.

Jaxon was my little daredevil. He went down the hill over and over again and laughed the whole time. He even managed to carry his penguin sled back up. He stole my hat because his hood wouldn't stay up, and when I put it on his head he said "Mommy, this is the best!"

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