The title of this post was taken from the song Cemetery Gates by Pantera.
This is how I feel most of the time. Maybe I have moments when I start to untangle the mess of emotions, worries, stress, and anxiety, but mostly this is how I feel on the inside no matter what things look like on the outside. Sometimes I can shove this messy ball into a box and sit on it for awhile, but I know it's always there.
Monday was Sebastian's girlfriends birthday. Megan is an amazing young lady and I love her dearly. As I sat at dinner with her family and friends, I had the chance to talk to her aunt's mother-in-law. She is a dear older lady that just took in the moments as they went by that night. She told me about working as a nurse and how later in life she went back to school and became a minister. She told me about the Bible study group she led each week. We talked about family history and she related some of her genealogy. For one very brief moment she mentioned her late husband. She didn't dwell on the topic but I suddenly became very emotional. I often get angry when I think about all the time I didn't have with Mike. Like losing him at such a young age somehow makes my grief greater than anyone else's. How difficult it must have been to lose her husband when they had been together for so long. For those few hours we sat across from each other I felt drawn to this lady. Maybe I'm hoping I can be as strong as she is when I'm her age.
Today, as I was driving to another school I put in a cd. The only cds I have in the car are the ones Mike had in his car when he passed away. I put in Pantara and the song Cemetery Gates came on. I instantly remembered why I don't play his music much any more. I started to cry because I could picture him singing along to the song. How many times had I watched him sing this song as he drove, cleaned house, or worked on the lawn. I turned it off and pulled myself together, but the weight of the memory has stuck with me all day.